澳际教育集团留美专家Philip老师对“梦游仙境”Essay的精彩点评

　　Well done on this essay! I can see the sophisticated use of the language in it. It is by far better than that of the average applicants. This is the kind of essay that would lead the college admission officers to make unique conclusions about you. I felt like it was written by a native English speaker。

　　There are a couple of places that can be improved:

　　1) The part about the friend who shed tears because you didn't join the drama team with her, it seems a little "over-reacting". The description of the friend's personal feeling is not really necessary. I would advise to make a rather brief description about the fact but focus more on your own process of reaching a decision。

　　2) In the next paragraph, there are lots of facts about your excitement. I will recommend to focus more on the "change within yourself" after you join the drama team. What factors or reasons have made you become more outgoing? How is acting or drama team had re-shaped your personality? Those are the questions most likely asked by the admission officers。

　　Nonetheless, this is a very good essay with explicit structure and mastering of the language. It is also written in a way that Americans would explore more about the writer. The opening part is quite interesting. I'd give a score of 8 out of 10 for this essay. Good job! "Until recently hearing that he is going to give away all his property to charity organizations, I figured out that he was my idol."

　  So you stopped favoring Bill Gates because he gave his money to charity? I don't think that is the conclusion you are trying to make but your writing is a little confusing. I would re-phrase it to "Bill Gates has been my idol after I heard he gave away all his assets to charity" (I am not sure if this is what you wanted to express but this sounds more ethical)