New way to prolong life

　　In a stunning medical breakthrough a team of cornel l university biogeneticists announced that it has devel oped a revolutionary new synthetic hormone that retards the human aging process, enabling individuals to extend the churning, meaningless void known as life by upwards of 20 years.

　　"this remarkable new hormone will enable millions o f people to live longer, healthier lives," said the bio geneticists. "once the substance wins FDA approval and is made available to the general public, the hellish em ptiness of our spiritually blank lives should be that m uch more inescapable."

　　According to the scientists, between 1990 and 1998, 250 test subjects between the ages of 68 and 81 were in jected bi-weekly with noexitoxythalynucleothyli-nase, a n experimental DNA-modifying hormone that " freezes" th e genetic codes that regulate aging. In all 250 subject , the drugslowed down the aging process by at least 30 percent, adding years to their futile, purposeless exis tences.

　　In addition to retarding aging, noexitoxythalynucle othylinase has proven effective in fighting disease. Ex perts cited the example of Gus Dermott, a charlotte, nc , dockworker who was diagnosed with lou Gerhrig's disea se. When administered high doses of the hormone over a seven-month period, dermott showed such rapid improveme nt that doctors now estimate he will be able to return to his soul-crushing, spiritually hollow toil within an little as three months.

　　Despite its early successes, noexitoxythalynucleoth yli-nase has yet to be proven effective in fighting som e life-threatening diseses, diseases which still may of fer us eternal respite from the screaming vortex of une nding blankness that defines the human condition. But a s medical science continues its pointless fight to inde finitely prolong the existential void of modern life, t he revolutionary new hormone represents the most promis ing development in years.