Argument 34:

　　(BY tju_gis)

　　Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium, substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore believe that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease in which the bones weaken significantly with age and that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors. But a long-term study of a large number of people has found that those who have consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.

　　In this argument ,the arguer concludes that a diet rich in dairy products may increase,instead of decreasing the risk of osteoporosis,alluding that we should limit the consume of such products for health's sake,To support this conclusion, the arguer cites the result of a study that those who have consisitantly consumed dairy products are more vulnerable than others to bone fracture,and fracture is a symptom of osteoporosis,hence more vulnerable to osteoporosis.It seems reasonable at first glance,a close examination with it ,however,will reveal several inherent flaws of it. In the first place ,the argument is based on a gratituous assumption that osteoporosis equals bone fracture,which is unwarrented.As we know ,there may be alternative reasons such as sports and traffic accidents that cause bone fracture.

　　Unless a convincing survey with the reasons of bone fractures of the individuals involved in the study is proposed that all fractures are caused by osteoporosis,the study will lend little support to the argument for its own representiveness is suspected.

　　In addition ,the arguer fails to take into account the age,hobby and other relevent background of the individuals who participated the study.It is not just diary products that matter.It's possible ,even probably,that those who like mounting as well as diary products.It's obvious that those climbers are more vulnerable to bone fracture,how can we owe the fracture to the diary products that he ate in the morning ?

　　Finally,the arguer ignores other factors such as genes,surroundings and habits that may have some bearings on osteoporosis,To trace the causes of osteoporosis to any single reason is to be miss the wood for the trees. To sum up, the argument is unconvincing due to several reasons state above .To Stength the argument,the arguer should estabish a causal relation beteween osteoporosis and bone fracture,to make the argument more cogent,the arguer should initiate a survey with those people to determine that if the diary products are the genuine reason for fracture.Unless the arguer do these ,the argument is not acceptable .

　　点评--by paisley[gter.net作文版版主

　　先纠正几个小错，

　　1,“limit the consume of such products”应该是consumption。

　　2,“those who have consisitantly consumed dairy products are more vulnerable than others to bone fracture,and fracture is a symptom of osteoporosis,hence more vulnerable to osteoporosis”这句话的最后半句hence这里，和前面重复了，可以拿掉。

　　3,“osteoporosis equals bone fracture，which is unwarrented”我不是很肯定这个equal用的对不对，但是我感觉用the same with会更好一点。另外，这个which is……，从语法上说变成修饰bone fracture了，应该拆成两句话。

　　4,“take into account the age, hobby and other relevent background who participated the study”这里，我觉得background改成element比较合适。后面说participate，容易引起误解，以为是参与研究工作的人，用are involved比较好。

　　5,”It's possible, even probably, that those who like mounting as well as diary products“这句话在as well as这里好象缺了句子成分，不是很懂

　　6, is to be miss the wood for the trees.这里be应该拿掉

　　7,the argument is unconvincing due to several reasons state above这里应该是stated

　　8,should estabish a causal relation应该是relationship哦。relation和relationship是不一样的

　　其他都写的挺好的，句子还是很通畅的，意思也表达的很清楚。如果注意一下细节问题，上5分没问题了。