作者笔下的香烟，活脱脱是一件生活中的多用道具，不仅能控制情绪，调节气氛，外带着还可以做借口、打掩护。看样子，不吸烟的损失还真不小。

　　I hate being a non-smoker. It is

　　so boring! It occurred to me

　　the other day that I really would be a lot happier if I smoked.2

　　When someone says "good morning" to me, I cannot just ignore him or her and go have a smoke. In fact, I seldom get an extra break in my workday. I cannot stop what I'm doing to have a quick cigarette3. I do not get to go outside and hang around talking to the other smokers at regular intervals on the pretense that I'm having nicotine fit.4

　　I'm not able to use nicotine as an excuse for my grouchiness5 in the morning. I just have to admit that I'm a grouch. If my nerves are jittery6, I must have some sort of psychological problem. I cannot say it is because I have not had a cigarette. I can't even go to the psychologist and pretend it is for "help to stop smoking."7

　　I do not have anything to hold in my hand to calm my nerves. I do not get the satisfaction of throwing my butts down for others to clean up.8 No one praises me for trying to quit9 ?because I never smoked in the first place.

　　I cannot wear the patch as a status symbol.10 Nobody asks my opinion of whether it works or not. I obviously don't know anything about the patch nor have an opinion. No one is proud of me when I go without a cigarette. My calmness is taken for granted, as I supposedly have the ability to control my behavior.

　　I cannot brag about all the money I'm saving by cutting back. I do not get to shop for cute ashtrays to accessorize my home. I do not get to buy nice leather cigarette cases or fancy lighters to support my habit.11

　　I do not have an excuse to buy new furniture because I accidentally make a burn mark on something. The candles on my birthday cake smoke more than I do.12

　　I do not have anything with my coffee in the morning unless it is food.13 I have nothing to do in a bar or club except drink. I don't have to sit in the smoking section at a restaurant ?and so I am always in the family section with people who have their kids along.14

　　At the theater, I do not have a reason to go out to the lobby during intermissions. I never have an excuse to get out of the house and run to the store for a package of cigarettes.

　　I can't leave meetings early to look for the smoking area. I can't excuse myself to hunt for a package of cigarettes. I have nothing to give up for the Great American Smoke-Out.15

　　I do not get to be offended about my right to smoke being violated. I don't get to complain about being persecuted for smoking.16 I can't throw a fit and blame it on nicotine withdrawal.17 I do not have nicotine to stimulate me and keep me going.

　　My three favorite things are allergy medication, clean ashtrays, and good chest x-rays.18 How boring can life get?

　　I can't use my poor health as an excuse to miss19 work. My life goal has to be something besides just "to quit smoking."

　　I do not have an emergency pack of cigarettes in the refrigerator "just in case20." And worst of all, I have nothing to do after sex but just lay there.

　　Yes, smokers are much happier people. If it were just not for that nagging little question about CANCER, I'd smoke too.21-

　　1. ode：颂歌。从标题看，作者是要赞扬香烟，但文中列举的有关吸烟的种种所谓好处，实际上是巧妙的正话反说，不吸烟的理由也就不言而喻了。

　　2.几天前我突然觉得，如果抽烟的话我真的会快乐得多。it occurs to sb.：令某人想起，想到；the other day:几天前。

　　3. a quick cigarette：迅速地抽上几口(烟)。

　　4.我没机会每隔一段时间就借口烟瘾犯了去外边和其他烟民闲聊天。get to do sth.: <口>能够，有机会；hang around：闲呆着；nicotine fit：烟瘾；fit：(病的)发作。

　　5. grouchiness：坏脾气。下文中的grouch为"坏脾气的人"。

　　6. jittery：<口>紧张不安的，神经过敏的。

　　7.我甚至不能在去看心理医生时谎称是为了寻求"戒烟帮助"。

　　8.我没有什么东西可以拿在手里来稳定情绪，我也得不到把烟头扔在地上让别人去清扫的那种满足感。

　　9. quit：放弃，停止。这里是指quit smoking(戒烟)。

　　10.我不能贴着戒烟贴，以此作为一种身份的表示。patch：贴片，膏药，这里指戒烟贴，也叫cigarette patch或nicotine patch。

　　11.我不能吹嘘自己减少抽烟量省下了多少钱，我没机会买漂亮的烟灰缸拿回家做摆设，我也不能为了我这个(抽烟的)嗜好去买好看的皮质烟盒或时髦的打火机。brag (about /of )：自夸，吹嘘。第二句中的accessorize为"(以装饰品)补充"。

　　12.我过生日时蛋糕上冒的烟比我抽的烟还多。注意这里用了smoke的两层含义。

　　13.早上喝咖啡时只能以食物相佐。也就是说抽烟的人连吃早餐时都要吸烟。

　　14.在餐馆里，我不必坐在吸烟区，因此我总是和那些带着孩子的人一起坐在家庭区。

　　15.我无法为"美国禁烟日"活动做出贡献。这里give up有双层含义：献出(生命、时间等)；放弃(吸烟)；Great American Smoke-Out: "美国禁烟日"。该活动由美国癌症协会发起，定于每年11月的第三个星期四，已有27年历史。

　　16.这两句实际上是说：抽烟的人会因有些场合禁止吸烟而感到被冒犯。

　　17.我不能在大发脾气后说这都怪(我在)戒烟。throw a fit：= have a fit,大发脾气；withdrawal：戒毒(或脱瘾)过程。

　　18. allergy：过敏性；good chest X-rays:即胸部X光片结果良好，也就是肺部没有什么问题。

　　19. miss：逃脱，逃避。

　　20. just in case：以防万一。这里指冰箱里放包烟以备不时之需。之所以把香烟放在冰箱里，通常是为了使其长时间不变味，甚至可使烟味更好。

　　21.要不是因为"癌症"这个闹心的小问题，我也会抽烟的。nagging：使人不得安宁的。作者在这里巧妙地表达了：香烟虽然很诱人，但仅是癌症这个词就足以令人望而却步。