(本文为汉译英)

　　有几次出国是随团，便与导游打了几次交道。

　　第一次是去日本，导游是当地的一名中国留学生。说是导游，我们参观的很多地方她也是第一次去，一问三不知，充其量算个日语拐棍吧。业务不行，人品还差,不仅顿顿蹭我们的饭，在探听到谁是什么“长”之后就开始围着“长”转了。实在看不过去，离开日本那天，我给日方旅行社打了个电话。在成田机场，她满脸尴尬地退给我们每人几千日元———占便宜，势力眼，这些恶习漂洋过海依然如故。

　　挪威的导游是位年近40的中国移民，人很好，整个行程都很愉快。离境那天他送我们去机场，因为起得早，上了车我迷迷瞪瞪的就想睡，一睁眼已经开出半小时了，只听得“不对吧，我们走错路了吧？”同行的邓老师正焦急地问导游，我心中一惊，再看导游，一脸的迷惘。“是错了，”他从下一个路口掉了头就往回开。天哪，这要是误了飞机可怎么办？我心中七上八下。20分钟后，终于看到了画着飞机的路标，路线性的错误总算纠正过来了。按说熟悉路况应该是导游的基本职能，可他久居多年还不如初来乍到的邓老师记路，这样的导游真让人不敢恭维。

　　再说希腊，我们入住的是雅典一家名为“总统”的酒店，在当地也算得是四星了。我问导游酒店是否有上网设备，他断然否定。为了往国内发照片，我只好到中国大使馆去上网。后来又有一段文字要发回去，我想利用传真也就行了，便在酒店前台传了一页———10欧元！(折合90元人民币)我一肚子气地问前台为什么不提供上网设备，害的我又得跑使馆又得花高价发传真。“谁说我们没有？而且是免费的，只要你带着笔记本电脑。”我带着呢呀！可知道得太晚了，明天就离开这里了，该死的导游怎么胡说八道？

　　第二天早晨见到导游，我告诉他酒店能上网，今后别再误导客人了。他竟大言不惭地说，去年这里还不能上网呢。听听，在这瞬息万变的时代，还拿去年的皇历说事!为了消气，我暗自作自我批评：你就不该信导游的，谁叫你不自己问，不去得第一手材料？接受这次教训吧！

　　巴黎的导游应该是最好的。久闻红磨坊的演出别具一格，我们一行几人都想去看，跟导游一说，他立刻帮着联系买票，并且负责接送。看这场演出是日程之外的活动，从旅馆到剧场的路又不近，我们便提出给他小费，可他说：“别给了，我给你们买门票时剧场已经给了我回扣了。”这话让我们觉得他人好实在。

　　然而，到了参观卢浮宫那天，他说他不能陪我们进去了，因为他没有卢浮宫的导游证，即便进去也不能给我们讲解，因为无证讲解是违法的,于是我们只好自己在宫里转了。虽说我们找到了维纳斯、蒙娜丽莎和胜利女神，可那成千上万的艺术珍品却难于欣赏，法兰西的骄傲让巴黎人给每件展品只配上了法文说明，让我们这些以为学了英语就能走遍世界的人好郁闷。后来我们在展厅墙边的架子上发现了用英文、德文、西班牙文、俄文、日文印制的活页简介———简到一百件展品只介绍三两件，不过总比没有强了。

　　这又让我想起雅典的导游，我们在参观卫城的时候，他也说他没有导游证，不过他好歹拉了一个希腊导游给我们白话了一阵。为什么这些身为导游的人竟然没有当地最负盛名的景点的导游资格？雅典的导游说他的身份是留学生，留学生是不可以到社会上找工作的———原来是打黑工呢；巴黎的导游说卢浮宫的导游证太难考了，谁背得下来那成千上万件展品的资料？———这是不是懒点儿了？

　　看来，这些导游并非真正意义上的导游，对他们的期望值不可过高。然而，随着中国人的境外旅游不断升温，国内各旅行社在赚钱的同时也要对境外导游把把关，如果他们还不具备导游资质，就该把宣传材料中的“提供当地中文导游”改为“提供当地一个想挣钱的打工者”。

　　My first Chinese tour guide abroad was in Japan. Unfortunately the young woman, in Japan to learn the language, was as unfamiliar with most of the sites as we were, having never visited them before. It wasn't just her ignorance and shaky Japanese that disturbed us: her meals were all paid for out of our pocket, and she devoted most of her attention to the guests she'd pegged as 'leaders'. Fed up with her behavior, I called the local Japanese tour agency before we left Japan. At Narita Airport, very embarrassed, she returned a few thousand yen to each of us four.

　　The guide in Norway was a Chinese immigrant, a nice man in his 40s who indeed enhanced the pleasure of our journey. On the morning of our departure he drove us to the airport. It was very early, so I dozed off in the car. Half an hour later I woke up to anxious questions from Mr Deng, my colleague: 'Can this be right? Aren't we headed in the wrong direction?' The puzzled guide had to admit that he'd made a mistake, and turned the car about. 'Good heavens!' I thought. 'What if we miss our flight?' Twenty minutes later we finally saw a sign for the airport: we were on the right track at last. Familiarity with the local roads is something every guide should have, but despite many years in Oslo ours was less able to navigate than Mr Deng, who'd been there all of two days!

　　In Athens we stayed in the four-star President Hotel. When I asked the Chinese guide if the hotel had internet service he replied with a firm negative, so to transmit a photograph to our Beijing office I had to go to the Chinese embassy and use the internet there. In the evening, having some written material to send, I asked the reception if I could use their fax machine. At 10 euros (90 yuan) per page, the service was not cheap. Annoyed, I asked the reception clerk why the hotel had no internet connection. 'What do you mean?' he replied. 'We have internet service, and it's free so long as you have a laptop,' -- which of course I did, but too late.

　　The next morning I gave the guide a piece of my mind①. He wasn't in the least abashed: 'They still didn't have it last year,' he retorted as if that got him off the hook②. Last year! At a time when things change in the blink of an eye, the fool was still using last year's calendar! But chiefly I berated myself for believing the guide: Why hadn't I asked at the hotel and gotten the information firsthand?

　　I think the guide in Paris was the best. We three all wanted to see the show at the Moulin Rouge; our guide immediately secured tickets and also offered to drive. Since the performance was not on our schedule and it was a long way from our hotel, we tried to tip him. 'No need' he said. 'The theater is giving me a commission.' We were impressed with his honesty.

　　The day we visited the Louvre, however, he said he couldn't legally accompany us because he lacked a guide's license for the museum. As a result we had to make our way through the vast museum by ourselves. Although we found the Venus de Milo, Mona Lisa and Winged Victory of Samothrace, it was not easy to appreciate the thousands of art works; apparently French pride will not tolerate any but French labels in the Louvre -- tough luck for people like us who assume you can travel round the world with English. Later we found some information cards in English, German, Spanish, Russian and Japanese on a shelf near the wall, but they were very brief, introducing just four or five items among the hundreds in a gallery. Anyway, it was better than nothing.

　　This experience reminded me of the guide in Athens. When we went up to the Acropolis, he also turned out not to have a license for it, but he did pull a Greek guide over to give us an introduction. Now why would these people with jobs as guides not have permits to work at the most famous local attractions? The guide in Athens said he had student papers and thus was not legally entitled to work. The guide in Paris said it was extremely difficult to pass the exam for Louvre guides, and who had time to master so much information on so many masterpieces? 'What a lazy fellow!' I thought to myself.

　　Chinese package tour agencies should get their act together. If they can't find qualified guides, their brochures ought to read not 'We offer local Chinese guides' but 'We offer some Chinese guy who wants to earn some money'.