美国的果敢自信训练(上)

　　Dr Shirley Hall (美国)(本文作者年过60，现在北京某高校任教)

　　Acommon problem in human relations is the lack of assertiveness -- in other words, the inability to express yourself and claim your rights without violating the rights of others. Do not confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. Being aggressive is acting in a self-centered, inconsiderate, arrogantly demanding and hostile manner; this is often counterproductive, since many people react by shutting their minds to your ideas.

　　Learning to communicate assertively involves learning to be honest, open and direct. You can learn to speak up, make requests, ask for favors and accept compliments, and also to express negative thoughts (complaints, resentment, criticism, disagreement), reject intimidation, refuse requests, and demand to be left alone. Many people have difficulty saying "no" to requests or demands. Assertiveness training provides an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity and -- ironically -- even anger①, so there is a wide range of situations in which this training can be helpful.

　　In most cultures higher status has traditionally been given to the masculine gender. Over the centuries, women in many societies learned to remain non-assertive, to stay out of the public eye, to keep their voices down, to be discreet and indirect, not to push, and in the end not even to dare to desire. The vast majority of opportunities for public influence -- the ability②to forge useful relationships other than friendship, speak up in public, create organizations, use force, and hold important positions in government, business, academia, and in the medical and legal field -- were long recognized as men's privilege and right.

　　This situation began to change significantly in the West about two hundred years ago. Over the past 40 years, the US Congress has made numerous laws forbidding discrimination based on gender. Back in the 1960s modern feminists noted that most American women (and also a fair number of men) were unable to speak up for themselves in the workplace or in personal relationships; they needed help in learning to be assertive. To fill this gap in communication skills, certain colleges, mental health centers and private consultants began to hold "assertiveness training workshops". These early programs were often part of employer-sponsored professional development training that aimed, among other things, to make employees more effective in communicating with customers, with representatives of other firms and with each other.

　　What does assertiveness training inculcate? The idea at its core is to stop being, or sounding, "wishy-washy". Do not apologize needlessly, make excuses, give long explanations or generally beat around the bush. Very often these weak communicative strategies cause the listener to receive a mixed, unclear or sometimes just plain wrong message. Assertiveness trainers teach you to identify what is really important for you. Then you must work out in advance (if possible) the point you need to make and how best to make it. Deliver the message clearly and directly (but without memorizing sentences, never a good tactic).

　　The fewer words you use, the greater will be the impact of what you say. Powerful people communicate succinctly -- and in measured tones, not stridently. Raising your voice makes you sound defensive and angry, not strong.

　　Remember also that you are entitled to your feelings. Your true feelings need no justification. However, at the same time, be a good listener -- listen more often than you speak. Also pay attention to your listener when you are speaking. Be positive. Notice and appreciate the efforts of others. Give credit where credit is due.

　　You are being legitimately assertive when you stand up for your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated. Beyond just demanding your rights, you must learn that you can talk about yourself, your feelings, opinions and interests, without being self-conscious. You can accept compliments without embarrassment. You can ask for clarification. You can disagree with someone openly and say no to requests without feeling guilty. You can ask why and question authority, not in order to rebel, but to assume responsibility for your share in controlling a situation. After all, how does letting bad decisions go unchallenged contribute to making anything better?

　　Some people think that assertiveness training turns nice, accommodating people into complainers or calculating manipulators. Not so: it's your right to protect yourself when something seems unfair. Only you know your true discomfort level and emotional needs. No one should be allowed to get away with③presuming to think or feel for you.

　　Underlying assertiveness training, obviously, is the belief that we are all created equal and should treat each other as equals. If you were taught as a child to assume that your perceptions, opinions, feelings and wants were less important than those of others, you can either go on behaving according to those assumptions or become an assertive adult. No one enjoys being a slave, a doormat or a yes-man. Assertiveness training builds up courage by asking the silent sufferer to review all the reasons for change and the many potential benefits.(Tobecontinued)