Since childhood, most of us have been bombarded with rules -- don't be selfish, don't complain, don't be unreasonable, don't interrupt, etc. But what if those "rules" have made you into a passive, unassertive, accommodating, compliant person when you would really prefer to speak up more about your true feelings and desires? Do you wish you could learn to deal with minor irritations before anger festers into intense resentment and explosive aggression? Assertiveness training can reduce stress by teaching you to stand up for your legitimate rights without bullying or being bullied.

　　Step one is realizing that changes are needed. Then you must take action to make those changes a reality. Assertiveness training might be offered through your employer, your university or a private consultant. It might even be offered through distance learning on the internet. If you are highly motivated, you could read and learn about how to become more assertive independently. Probably the best way to build assertiveness is a good assertiveness training workshop.

　　Such a workshop might include two workshop leaders for up to l8 participants in an all-day, six-hour event or two morning sessions one week apart, with "homework" being assigned between the two sessions. What kind of homework? Practicing what you have learned and describing the experience in a personal diary.

　　The workshop should take place in a hospitable atmosphere with plenty of room, a comfortable temperature and light refreshments during breaks. Long breaks encourage free talk and generate enthusiasm among participants. It helps to know that others like yourself share your problems.

　　At the beginning of the workshop, you may be asked to describe specific situations that you would like to handle better. During the workshop, you will hear lectures, see vignettes on DVD or video, and receive printed information on how to become more forthright.

　　Role playing is an important element in assertiveness training. The workshop leader will present a scenario submitted by a workshop participant. A typical example might be a situation from a job interview: the employer is offering a certain salary but the prospective employee thinks it's too low. How to make it clear that you want a higher salary without sacrificing your chances of landing the job? The workshop leader will have small groups work out strategies, probably involving a female job seeker and a male employer. Research has shown that an American man is much likelier to feel at ease asking for a higher starting salary than an American woman. A woman with the same qualifications being considered for the same position is commonly inclined to fret: "If I ask for a higher salary, maybe they won't hire me," or "Maybe the company will think I don't have enough experience for such a high salary."

　　The role playing session helps female workshop participants find out how it feels to ask for a higher salary. They see what the possible responses are, and the workshop participants pool their brains and experience to come up with useful tactics. The real-life situation can be thought of as a game; once that perception takes root, some of the stress and inhibition disappears. Meanwhile, the already more confident males in the workshop gain a better understanding of how the situation looks and feels for an inhibited job seeker. They acquire a bit of sympathy. And of course women aren't the only people who ever ask for a higher starting salary or a raise; the communication techniques tried out in assertiveness workshops can be used by anyone.

　　Since assertiveness training arose in the US, the principles trainers try to instill would need to be adjusted for a non-Western culture. Yet many would doubtless be as much in place in China as they are in North America or Europe. For example, North American trainees are urged to focus positively on goals, not on the other person. You may not like the other person. You may, in fact, mistrust, despise or fear the other person, but he is the fellow you have to negotiate with. As I pointed out last week, all of your feelings are legitimately yours -- no one can rightly criticize you for having them -- but not all feelings are wisely acted upon. In discussing a promotion or raise or troublesome situation at work, it is the matter at hand①that you must focus on, in as positive, constructive and rational a way as possible. Start thinking too much about the person rather than the problem, and pretty soon your feelings will slip out of control.

　　Dr Shirley Hall (美国)