¡¡¡¡One teen wrote:

¡¡¡¡¡°I, for one, am a big peacemaker1. I would much rather take the blame for just about anything than get into an argument. I constantly find myself saying that I am dumb...¡±

¡¡¡¡Do you find yourself identifying with this statement? If so, you have fallen into the trap of Lose-Win. Lose-Win looks prettier on the surface, but it's just as dangerous as Win-Lose.

¡¡¡¡Lose-Win is weak. It's easy to get stepped on. It's easy to be the nice guy. It's easy to give in, all in the name of being a peacemaker. It's easy to let your parents have their way with you rather than try to share your feelings with them.

¡¡¡¡With a Lose-Win attitude you'll find yourself setting low expectations and compromising2 your standards again and again. Giving in to peer3 pressure is Lose-Win. Perhaps you don't want to ditch school4, but the group wants you to. So you give in. What's happened? Well, you lost and they won. That's called Lose-Win.

¡¡¡¡A girl named Jenny once told me about her wanderings in the world of Lose-Win during her eighth-grade year before she finally broke free:

¡¡¡¡My problems with my mom all started one day when she said to me sarcastically5¢Ÿ ¡°Wow¢Ÿ you£§re sure sassy6 today.¡± I took it so literally7 that then and there I decided to close off from her and never talk back to her. I began faking the respect and authority she wanted. So every time she would say something¢Ÿ even if I disagreed with her¢Ÿ I would just say¢Ÿ ¡°Okey¢Ÿ whatever you want¢Ÿ Mom.¡± Half the time she didn£§t even know that things were bothering me because I wouldn£§t tell her.

¡¡¡¡But it really got cold quickly. And my resentment began to build. One night I had just finished talking to my mom about a school assignment to which she said¢Ÿ ¡°Oh¢Ÿ that£§s nice¢Ÿ¡± and then went back to mopping the floor.

¡¡¡¡¡°Don£§t you even care©t¡± I thought. But I didn£§t say anything and stormed off8. She had no idea I was even upset. She would have been willing to talk to me had I told her how important it was to me. But it seemed that I was eager to be a victim and to take whatever she dished out.

¡¡¡¡Eventually¢Ÿ I just blew up. ¡°Mom¢Ÿ this has got to change. I can£§t handle you anymore. You tell me everything you want me to do and I just do it because it£§s easier than fighting. Well¢Ÿ I£§m sick of it.¡± I spilled9 my guts and let her know about all the feelings I had been harboring10 inside. This all came as a surprise to her.

¡¡¡¡After my blowup11¢Ÿ it was really rocky for a while. We felt like we were starting all over in our relationship. But it£§s getting better all the time. We discuss things now¢Ÿ and I always share my feelings with her.

¡¡¡¡If you adopt Lose-Win as your basic attitude toward life, then people will wipe their dirty feet on you. And that's a real bummer12. You'll also be hiding your true feelings deep inside. And that's not healthy.

¡¡¡¡There is a time to lose, of course. Lose-Win is just fine if the issue isn't that important to you, like if you and your sister can't agree on who gets which side of the closet or if your mom doesn't like the way you hold your fork. Let others win the little issues. Just be sure you take a stand on the important things.

¡¡¡¡If you're trapped in an abusive relationship, you're deep into Lose-Win. Abuse is a never-ending cycle of hurt and reconciliation, hurt and reconciliation. It never gets better. There's no win in it for you whatsoever13, and you need to get out. Don't think that somehow the abuse is your fault or that somehow you deserve to be abused. That's how a doormat thinks. No one deserves to be abused, ever.