双语：如何通过聊天模式评估情侣关系

　　Texting has become the most prominent form of instant communication. Because intimate partners are likely to save these messages, they form a valuable, archived, written history of a relationship’s “story.” Most of my couples haven’t realized the opportunities that their text archives offer to teach them about how well they are actually communicating with each other.

　　如今即时通讯的主要方式就是发消息，而亲密情侣更可能将这些消息保存下来，这些聊天消息是两人爱情故事的宝贵记录。然而大多数情侣并未意识到，这些聊天记录提供了一个独特的机会，让他们了解互相之间是如何交流的。

　　Using the following criteria, they could not only evaluate their relationship vis a vis the things they have texted in the past, but also better understand how they use that data to improve their relationship connections in the future. If you have a partner, read the seven criteria in each other’s presence. If you are currently single, you can still get a better idea of how your text messaging style has helped or hindered your past relationships and how you can use that data in the future.

　　本文据此提出了7项评估要素，帮助他们评估这些聊天消息是否与面对面的聊天模式同步，又如何帮助或阻碍了他们之间的感情交流。如果你现在有一个伴侣，你可以运用这些要素来评估两人之间的关系；如果你仍是单身，这些要素也能帮助你识别你过去的聊天方式对你的情侣关系是起到了帮助亦或是阻碍作用，并对你未来起到一定的指导作用。

　　1. Do Men and Women Read Texts Differently?

　　1.内容长度

　　Most of my patients believe that females are “wordier” than males. The actual data shows that whichever gender is the most talkative actually depends on the subject being shared.

　　许多人认为，女性比男性更话痨。但事实上，真正决定健谈程度的并非性别，而是被分享的对象。

　　Most often, women do use more words when talking about relationships, and men when talking about business, battle, or sports.

　　不过总体而言，女性在谈论人际关系时话更多，男性则更喜欢谈论商业、战争及运动等话题。

　　They also unanimously tell me that men like to hear the bottom line first and work up to the backstory details only if they need them, and that women like to “set the stage” before coming to the conclusion.

　　而且，男性喜欢先听到结论，只有在需要时才会去聆听故事背后的细节；而女性更倾向于埋下伏笔，最后得出结论。

　　If that is indeed true, then women are likely to experience many men as too laconic and direct, and men are more likely to hear or read only the first part of a long message.

　　如果确实如此，那么情侣在沟通时，女性可能会认为对方说话过于简单直接，而男性可能常常只会去读到一段长消息的开头部分。

　　So, do your text messages bear that out as well?

　　你和情侣的聊天状态是否也是这样呢？

　　Go back over as many text messages as you need to evaluate this. Count the amount of lines you or your partner use on average to send a text and how those figures change depending on the subject discussed. Ignore those that are simply logistics, like where you’re going to meet, or what you might need picked up for dinner. Just pay attention to those that are important emotional interchanges.

　　现在打开你需要评估的这些聊天信息，统计你和对方在沟通时平均发送的字数多少，以及这些数字是如何根据所讨论的主题发生的变化的。注意忽略那些简单的沟通信息，比如你要去哪里、你晚餐想吃什么等等，而把精力花在分析重要的情感交流上。

　　If you are a more typical male in a traditional male/female relationship, ask yourself how much of a long, emotional text message you actually read from your female partner before you respond, and if your responses are typically shorter than the message you receive. If you are a more typical female in a traditional male/female duo, do you take time at the beginning of your emotionally expressive text to create a backstory before you get to the point?

　　如果你也属于上述典型沟通模式中的男性或女性，为了让两人更好地沟通，男性可以反思自己读了多少对方发来的长消息，回复是否总比收到的信息短；女性发消息时则可以注意，自己在铺垫要点时，是否可以优化消息文本的开头？

　　The point here is not to judge, but to compare and contrast, just for information and understanding.

　　谨记，这种分析并不是要去评判什么，而是希望通过这种对比，加强双方的沟通和理解。

　　2. Response Time

　　2.回复速度

　　When either partner in an intimate relationship sends out an emotional message, he or she may have a different expectation of how soon the other partner should respond. I’ve witnessed many painful altercations between partners when their expectation of response time is different.

　　收到消息后多久应该得到回复？情侣关系中的双方可能对此有不同理解，许多人甚至因此产生了痛苦的争吵。

　　Again, this has a lot to do with the subject matter. Typically in a traditional male/female partnership, men are more often loathe to respond to an angry, complaining, or demanding text than women are and, as a result, will put off a response in hopes that their partner will “calm down” before an altercation is necessary. Their female partners may misunderstand that lag time as indifference or a lack of priority. Alternately, many men have told me that they are totally frustrated when their partners do not respond to logistical requests within a reasonable period of time.

　　回复速度同样与聊天主题有关。有时男性不愿很快回复对方的愤怒和抱怨，往往希望对方能够冷静下来再说，但他们的女性伴侣经常会将这种延迟到来的回复视作冷漠的表现。同时也有男性表示，当他们的伴侣对一些“后勤”请求视而不见时，他们会觉得非常沮丧。

　　When couples have clear understandings of when and where they are more likely to be available, the timing of the response becomes less important. Sometimes, arguments over response time may actually be the tip of icebergs that reflect a deeper frustration about availability in other areas of the relationship.

　　如果伴侣彼此能够确信对方能够帮助自己，就不会对回复速度这么斤斤计较了。回复速度引发的争论，实际上只是冰山一角，揭示出情侣关系里其他方面更深层次的挫败感。

　　Ask yourself and your partner how you handle disappointments about expected response time to a text message. Do you frequently argue about how or when those priorities should happen?

　　回想一下，你和伴侣争论过这些事情吗？你们彼此之间对聊天回复速度有什么看法？

　　3. Misunderstandings

　　3.文本误解

　　Accurate, effective, and welcomed communication is one of the core elements in any successful relationship. Because communicating is only 10 percent words and 90 percent facial expression, body language, voice intonation, rhythm, and touch, it is totally understandable that misunderstandings have mushroomed when relationship partners rely on words alone rather than face-to-face connections.

　　准确、有效、和谐的沟通，是所有成功关系的核心要素。面对面的人际交往中，文本发挥的作用仅占到10%，剩下90%都依靠面部表情、肢体语言、语音语调等等。

　　Even emojis don’t always help, because people can misunderstand what that facial expression is meant to convey.

　　所以当双方单纯依靠文本沟通时，误解很容易如雨后春笋般涌现（意译）。即使运用聊天表情，也无法代替面部表情，来减少误解发生的可能性。

　　4. How Words Alone Can Be Easily Misinterpreted

　　4.强调引发的歧义

　　The words that are emphasized in a phrase can significantly change the meaning of that phrase — and the absence of voice intonation is the culprit.

　　在缺失语调的情形下，当我们把重点放在短语中不同的词上时，就可能对同一文本产生不同的理解。

　　Here is an example. The texted phrase: “What are you doing?”

　　以“你在干什么？”这句话为例说明。

　　“What are you doing?” Emphasis is on the act.

　　“你在干什么？” 强调行为。

　　“What are you doing?” Emphasis is heard as challenge.

　　“你在干什么？” 强调挑战性。

　　“What are you doing?” Emphasis is on the person.

　　“你在干什么？” 强调主体。

　　“What are you doing?” Emphasis could be asking for justification.

　　“你在干什么？” 强调理由。

　　When people are face-to-face sharing important emotional exchanges, they are much more able to intuit a current experience and put it into its correct context. When messages are not shared in real time, are offered without knowing the availability of the recipient, and often hastily sent, the chances of unwanted outcomes mushroom.

　　当我们面对面地进行沟通时，会更直观地把文本放在上下文中去理解。而当发送聊天消息时，为了满足即时性和便利性的需要，人们会牺牲掉明晰的形容词汇，用表情和缩略词来简略表达意思，这样有意无意间会丢失掉一些信息，容易造成误解。

　　5. When Text Messages Are Different From Face-to-Face Interactions

　　5.沟通方式的喜好

　　Some people, independent of gender, are better at writing than they are at speaking. Whether they use email, instant messenger, or texting, they can think better when they are not facing their partners, preferring to read what they’ve written before they push that send button.

　　无论性别因素，有些人擅长书面沟通，即使需要公开发言时也喜欢朗读事先准备好的文本材料；而有些人则习惯当面沟通，认为文字消息不足以充分传达出自己想要表达的意思。

　　Try reading your text messages of the day out loud to each other when you are together. Compare how your partner heard and reacted to what you said in your texts to what he or she would have if you were in each other’s presence.

　　你可以尝试着在伴侣面前朗读之间发过的消息，观察对方当面听到的反应，了解对方沟通方式的喜好，在日后的沟通中有所调整和侧重。

　　6. Staggered Connections

　　6.收发消息的时间错位

　　Because text messages are often sent and received at different times, they can be misinterpreted by that process alone. Unless there is an agreement beforehand, a person texting has no idea what the person on the other end is doing, feeling, or thinking before that text comes in. If that person is rushed, preoccupied, or upset about something that may be unrelated in any way to the texter, he or she may respond to the text differently than at another time. The time lapse between getting the message and responding can result in a total change in mood or availability, which in turn changes the causality or intensity of what the recipient expects or needs in the return text.

　　由于消息发送和接收的时间常常可能并不相同，在这段时间间隔里常常会出现一些意想不到的状况。可能这段时间里，对方的情绪会发生变化，会影响到对这条消息的反馈；还有可能这期间发生了其他的事件，导致这条消息的功用性发生变化。这都会影响收发消息双方的沟通情况。

　　Do you and your partner ask one another what your emotional receptivity is before you begin the body of your text?

　　所以，在发消息沟通时，要记得关注对方的实时状态。

　　7. Unconscious Overloading

　　7.无意识的阅读负担

　　When intimate partners are in each other’s presence, they are more likely to be aware of nuances that change the way they continue expressing themselves. If texting, those same partners are unable to see the effects of the text message on the other. He or she might keep going, not realizing that the recipient may be overloaded and unable to respond effectively.

　　当我们和亲密的伴侣沟通时，常常不会那么注意沟通的细节。比如刷屏式的沟通和过长的文字，都会无意识间增加对方的阅读负担，增加其理解困难，使对方可能无法有效地迅速作出回应。

　　Look at your texts and evaluate whether or not they might be overloading your partner. Do you allow enough time between texts to make certain you partner is getting what you mean to say by the way he or she responds?

　　所以在消息发送之前，记得自己先评估一下，这样的消息是否会让对方觉得有阅读负担？你是否在有限的文字中，清楚地让对方知道你想说什么？

　　Hopefully, sharing and discussing these seven criteria with your partner will help your text messages convey what you want to get across. Intimate partners choose to communicate through texting because it is such a convenient way to stay connected at any time and in any place. Understanding the above criteria can make sure that texting actually aids and abets quality communication and erases the need for damage control.

　　与面对面相比，发送消息是一种能在任何时间与地点保持沟通的便捷方式。希望关于以上7个要素的分享和讨论能够帮助你更准确地传达内容，促进彼此间的沟通，减少不必要的误解。