高考阅卷老师教你备考2019英语写作(2)

　　作文点评

　　优秀的续写作文具备这些特点：情节设计合理加创新、语言表达准确且丰富、内容描写具体又生动、语句衔接连贯并顺畅、思想主题明确有升华。以下结合两篇优秀作文和一篇中档作文加以点评。

　　优秀作文一

　　Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse。 “What a lovely rabbit！” I shouted with eyes glittering with terrific excitement。 It was quite different from those I saw in our city， thus immediately stimulating my interest。 Dad was also stunned by this special rabbit， gawking at it motionlessly。 “Dad， let’s catch it as our pet！” I suggested， unexpectedly receiving his prompt agreement。 Entirely forgetting what Uncle Paul had told us， we chased after that pity （建议改成pretty） rabbit， frantic with rapture。 Unfortunately， so clever and swift was it that it disappeared in the forest before long。 Not until then did we realize that the last ray of twilight was quickly disappearing among the numerous trees and we couldn’t find our track at all！ We did get lost！

　　We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark。 The bone-chilling wind howled fiercely like a wolf， making the darkness even more suffocating。 “Dad， what can we do？” I threw my arms around him tightly， quivering and seized by stark horror。 “All is going well！” Dad answered in a gentle voice， calm and mollified。 We wandered in the scary forest and didn’t know what horrible （建议加上thing一词） would happen to us， hoping to find the way back。 Suddenly， we heard the sound of water rolling down the river 。 We were over the moon and decided to keep along with the river （建议将keep along with改成follow）。 After a while， we heard the familiar sound of sheep and then caught the sight of the farm house （删去sight前的冠词the）。 The family were waiting for us in a distance （建议改成in the distance）。 Seeing this， radiant smile （应改成 a radiant smile） lit up both of our faces。

　　[点评]

　　这篇文章内容丰富、主题明确，故事情节设计自然流畅、合乎逻辑。考生在第一段中以“这只兔子与我在城里见过的兔子不同，从而激起了我的兴趣”为由引出“和父亲一起追逐兔子”的情节，与原文的思路契合、融洽度高。之后的 “失去兔子踪影”和“发现迷路”也在情理之中，并与第二段首句自然衔接。第二段围绕“父亲鼓励我想办法自救”、“沿河寻找出路”、“成功脱险”展开情节，将故事推向高潮，并巧妙地体现了“人与自我”主题语境下的家庭亲情主题。有效地使用了连接成分，如：thus， unfortunately， not until then， suddenly， after a while， seeing this使全文结构紧凑。

　　本文最大的亮点是全文始终贯穿细致入微的描写（“采用show， don’t tell”写作手法），生动形象地向读者展现了作者情感的变化，有效地推动故事情节的发展。例如：第一段中通过面部表情描写表现作者看到兔子后的惊喜，引出“追兔”情节，通过心理活动描写“frantic with rapture”表现作者“骑马追兔”体验中兴奋和愉悦之情，引出“不知不觉迷路”情节；第二段中通过环境描写以及动作描写表现作者迷路后的紧张害怕，引出“父亲的鼓励”，通过语言描写表现父亲的沉着，升华文本的主题——父爱，通过面部表情描写表现作者脱险后的如释重负和喜悦之情，至此故事画上了圆满的句号。

　　虽然文中有一些小错误（已在原文中提供修改意见），但该考生无疑具有较强的语言功底，丰富的词汇储备，如stimulate my interest， stunned， gawk at， bone-chilling， quiver等；更值得一提的是，文中用了不同的短语来表达“喜悦”之意，如frantic with rapture， be over the moon， a radiant smile；丰富的语法结构，包括倒装、非谓语结构、形容词和副词作状语等等。

　　优秀作文二

　　Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse。 My horse was so afraid that it began running ferociously。 I could feel the air hitting my face heavily and hear my dad’s hysterical cry from a distance。 My heart was pumping widly （应为wildly） and my blood were （应为was） pulsing through my veins。 I pulled the rope （建议改成pulled back the reins）， kicked （建议改成distracted） the horse and tried every means to stop the horse but in vain。 After what seemed an eternity， my dad caught up with me breathlessly and managed to stop my horse。 But we found that we were in distress， with no track beside us。

　　We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark。 The river beside us was still and serene under the last ray of sunshine but we didn’t have （应加上the） mood to enjoy it。 Suddenly， it occurred to us that there was also a river nearby the farm house。 Realizing the river may be a direction toward back （建议改成 a guide back）， our spirit （应为spirits） soared and we began to trot briskly along the river。 Just a few minutes later， catching sight of the silhouette of the house， a feeling of relief and relaxation surged through me （使用非谓语动词作状语时，未顾及主语一致的问题，建议改为…catching sight of the silhouette of the house， I felt a feeling of relief and relaxation surging through me）。 I could picture Uncle Paul’ssmiling face and our delicious supper and I thought to myself that our being lost added a special taste to my adventurous vacation which I would remember all my life。

　　[点评]

　　这篇文章整个故事情节完整，合乎逻辑。文章的结尾，该考生并没有选择宏观的主题，而是用“our being lost added a special taste to my adventurous vacation” 对这次遇险经历作了总结，与文章开头呼应，使整个故事浑然一体。After what seemed an eternity， but， suddenly， a few minutes later等连接成分的使用也恰到好处。

　　本文体现了考生较深厚的语言功底，除丰富的词汇外，大量使用非谓语动词，如 “Realizing the river may be a guide back， our spirits soared and we began to trot briskly along the river”等；句式结构多元，如so…that。。。，it occurred to sb。 that。。。，定语从句等。

　　另外，在讲述故事的过程中，该考生同样采用了“show，don’t tell”的写作手法，借助具体的细节描写，给读者描绘了一幅幅形象生动的画面，带着读者一起感受作者情感的变化。如：第一段中的环境描写、心理活动描写和动作描写，让读者仿佛看到了作者在马失控后恐惧的模样，感受到父子俩竭力控制马时千钧一发的紧张气氛。而在第二段中，考生则通过多次心理活动描写淋漓尽致地展现了作者逐渐放松的心理变化。

　　中档作文提升示例

　　Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse。 It frightened my horse of course， （建议加上and） then without any warning， my horse began to run quickly and aimlessly。 So paniced I was， I forgot how to control a horse completely。 Riding on the horse， I felt like I was on a tiny boat which caught （应改为a tiny boat caught in） a strong storm。 When the horse stopped， I soon realized I got lost， I cried for help but no one answered。 The only thing I could do is grabbing （应改为was grab） my horse tightly to make sure we still stayed together。 My dad comforted me that there would always be a way to help us get out of trouble。

　　We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark。 I forced myself to remember every single piece of advise （应改为advice） Uncle Paul offered。 Suddenly， his words “keep to the track” hit my mind。 I managed to recognize the track in darkness。 Then I found my uncle who was following the track to search （应加上for） us。 Finally， we got back to the farm houseand enjoyed the supper。 I’m sure it was the best meal I have ever had since I （建议加上had） experienced so much and became more independent and braver。

　　[点评]

　　从这篇文章的用词和语法结构来看，考生语言运用能力不弱。除上文中指出的几处修改意见外，“So paniced I was， I forgot how to control a horse completely ”一句中倒装结构的表达有误，应改为：“So panicked was I that I completely forgot how to control a horse”。当然这是考生尝试使用高级的语法结构所致。文中还运用了比喻的修辞手法，也有细致的动作描写等。

　　但本文在思维的衔接上存在明显的漏洞，导致情节不连贯。例如，第一段中，考生一开始只围绕“我”展开故事情节，之后却突然出现了“父亲安慰我”的情节，读者不禁疑惑：父亲何时出现的？要使情节连贯，考生应有必要的交代，可以这样修改：To my relief， after a while my dad found me and he comforted me， saying that there would always be a way for us to get out of trouble。

　　同理，在第二段中，考生设计的情节是“我”如何找到小路、在返回农场途中遇到了保罗叔叔，再一次完全遗忘了父亲的存在，但是，文章后面却说“最后我们回到了农场”，情节断层，衔接突兀。建议将情节改成“我”提议父亲寻找小路，“我们”找到了路并遇到保罗叔叔，这样才能与下文连贯。