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新浪首页 > 教育天地 > 《英语学习》2002年5期 > 如何赢得朋友和如何影响他人

How to Win Friends and Influence People
http://www.sina.com.cn 2002/06/21 10:07  《英语学习》

  By Dale Carnegie

  Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

  Chapter 1: ‘If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.'


  On Saturday morning, April 15,1865, Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a hall bedroom of a cheap lodging house directly across the street from Ford's Theater, where Booth had shot him. Lincoln's long body lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was too short for him. A cheap reproduction of Rosa Bonheur's famous painting, 'The House Fair', hung above the bed, and a dismal gas jet flickered yellow light.

  As Lincoln lay dying, Secretary of War Stanton said, 'There lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen.'What was the secret of Lincoln's success in dealing with men? I studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years, and devoted all of three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe I have made as detailed and exhaustive a study of Lincoln's personality and home life as it is possible for any human being to make. I made a special study of Lincoln's method of dealing with men. Did he indulge in criticism? Oh, yes. As a young man in the Pigeon Creek Valley of Indiana, he not only criticized but he wrote letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roads where they were sure to be found. One of these letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime.

  Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers. But he did this just once too often.

  In the autumn of 1842, he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious Irish politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in the Springfield journal. The town roared with laughter. Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel. Lincoln didn't want to fight. He was opposed to dueling; but he couldn't get out of it and save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long arms, he chose cavalry broad swords, took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sand bar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel.

  That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln's life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.

  Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each on in turn—McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Meade—blundered tragically, and drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, 'with malice towards none, with charity for all', held his peace. One of his favorite quotations was‘judge not, that you be not judged.'

  And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the Southern people, Lincoln replied: 'Don't criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.'

  When dealing with people, let us remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

  And criticism is a dangerous spark—a spark that is liable to cause an explosion in the powder magazine of pride—an explosion that sometimes hastens death. For example, General Leonard Wood was criticized and not allowed to go with the army to France. That blow to his pride probably shortened his life. Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists that ever enriched English literature, to give up the writing of fiction forever. Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.

  Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success? 'I will speak ill of no man,' he said, '... and speak all the good I know of everybody.'

  Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. 'A great man shows his greatness,' said Carlyle, 'by the way he treats little man.'

  Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them.

  Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. 'To know all is to forgive all.'

  As Dr. Johnson said: 'God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his day.' Why should you and I?


  北京外国语大学国际商学院 朱梅萍



  在《如何赢得朋友和如何影响他人》这本公共演讲学经典教材中,卡耐基阐述了以下重要观点:1)在人们的日常交往和社会接触中,处理好人际关系是一门艺术;2)一个人的演说技能是可以培养的;3)在人际交往中,尤其是在商务交往中,最重要的是处理好人际关系;4)提出人类工程学概念,宗旨是培养人的个性以及影响他人的能力。他认为:经济上的成功,85%应归功于人类工程学知识的作用,另外的15%才是技术知识的作用;5)拥有技术知识,善于表达自己的观点,勇于承担责任以及善于激发人们热情的人才会进入高收入阶层。卡耐基撰写此书时,不遗余力,不惜代价地寻求有史以来各类名人曾遵循过的交友方式和影响他人之道,以帮助读者从那些似乎已被遗忘的历史的思想宝库中发现真理,从中获得益处。就“教育”一词的定义而言,卡耐基引用了两位名人的话。普林斯顿大学一位前校长约翰·希本说:“教育是培养迎接生活中各种挑战的能力。”英国大哲学家赫伯特·斯宾塞说:“教育的伟大目标不是知识,而是行动。”卡耐基的两大著名格言是:“Believe that you will succeed and you will.”“Live to love,respect and enjoy other people.”本篇节选开头讲述的是林肯的故事,所描写的是林肯遭到暗杀后,生命垂危时的情景。卡耐基的语言生动具体,如具体日期(April 15,1865),具体地点(a cheap lodging house directly across the street from Ford's Theater),具体境况(lay stretched diagonally, sagging bed, too short),具体背景(Rosa Bonheur's famous painting "The House Fair"法国艺术家罗萨的画,a dismal gas jet凄凉的煤气喷嘴灯)。这种具体的描述旨在激起读者的兴趣,由此引发读者思考这样一个主题:美国四大著名总统之一的林肯,他的成功来自于何处?卡耐基用了十年的工夫研究林肯的一生,写出了Lincoln The Unknown (《鲜为人知的林肯》)一书,主要讲述林肯在其一生中如何赢得朋友、如何影响他人,由此再次展述本章的主题:It's foolish to criticize!林肯之所以成为伟人,因为他从来都是以善良之心待人:“With malice towards none, with charity for all.”(不对任何人抱有怨恨,对所有的人胸怀友善)。这正是林肯立世之本。他经常引用的人生哲理是:“Judge not,that you be not judged。”(不要评判他人,否则自己将受到评判)。林肯以此作为赢得朋友、影响他人之道,可见其伟人的胸襟。

  那么林肯又是如何在生活中感悟人生道理的呢?卡耐基给我们讲述了林肯年轻时一次令他终生难忘的经历。林肯年轻时争强好胜,待人处事常常有点咄咄逼人。出身在印第安纳州一个小镇上的他不但好批评他人,而且还经常写诗、写信或写文章放在乡间路上嘲笑他人。One of these letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime. 1842年的某一天,他写了一封匿名信,嘲笑一个名叫James Shields,好虚荣、好争斗的爱尔兰政客,结果给自己惹来了大祸,差点儿丧命。那个受到嘲笑的政客查明了匿名信的作者,找到林肯,要跟他决斗。为了保全名誉,林肯不得不应战。他拜一个西点军校的毕业生为师,想从他那儿学点马刀术以赢得决斗的胜利。但是他的内心深处非常害怕,直到决斗就要开始的最后一刻,双方的助手(seconds)才成功地阻止了这场生死决斗。这次经历"was the most lurid (horrible)personal incident in Lincoln's life",对他后来处理人际关系的方式产生了至关重要的影响。从那以后,他再也没有写过任何侮辱性的东西,再也没有嘲笑过任何人,而且几乎也没有批评过任何人。后来在美国内战中,不少前线将军犯了重大军事错误,让林肯几乎绝望(drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair),可是面对这些,他都能胸怀宽广,心态平和,能站在这些将军的立场上理解他们为何犯错误,从而宽恕他们。卡耐基在书中用了两页篇幅动情地描述了林肯如何以宽大的胸怀宽恕米德将军战略决策失误的故事。由于本文篇幅有限,作者没有选登,请读者见谅。

  在节选的后半部分,卡耐基对如何赢得朋友,如何影响他人作了精辟的论述。他要我们记住:在人际关系中,我们不是同纯理性的生物(creatures of logic)打交道,而是同富有情感的生命交往。这些生命充满着偏见,而且行事受动机和名利的驱使。“批评”这种处事方式是危险的导火索(dangerous spark)。在同他人的交往中,批评可能会引起“骄傲炸药库”(powder magazine of pride)的爆炸。这种情感爆发有时甚至会加速死亡的进程!卡耐基在文中举了好几个例子,其中之一是英国著名小说家托马斯·哈代因遭尖刻的批评而愤然放弃了文学生涯。此外,“批评”导致了英国诗人Thomas Chatterton的自杀。

  就如何赢得朋友和如何影响他人而言,卡耐基在书中一再使用名人的生活经历来劝说读者:批评他人这种方式对处理人际关系没有什么好处。他认为,对他人有容忍之心才是赢得朋友,影响他人的关键。他告诉我们,伟人本杰明·富兰克林年轻时也不懂为人处事之道,办事愣头愣脑,但他善于从生活中学习,后来便精通为人之道,成为美国驻法国的大使,处理外交事务非常精明。他的成功之处何在?卡耐基引用其原话给我们以启迪:“I will speak ill of no man, ... and speak all the good I know of everybody.(我从不说他人坏话,我赞扬我所认识的每个人的长处。)”对此,卡耐基解释说,任何傻瓜都会批评、谴责、抱怨,可是理解和宽恕他人却需要人格的魅力和自控能力。他引用苏格兰作家、历史学家、哲学家卡莱尔(Thomas Carlyle, 1795-1881)的话:“伟大人物的伟大之处在于他对待小人物的方式。”卡耐基进一步论述道:我们与其谴责他人,倒不如试图去理解他们,弄明白他们为什么这么做,这比批评他人更“有利可图(profitable)”,而且更有趣(intriguing)。这样做能培养我们的同情之心(sympathy)、容忍之心(tolerance)、善良之心(kindness)。正如英国作家、评论家萨穆尔·约翰逊( Dr. Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784)博士所说:“God himself,sir,does not propose to judge man until the end of his day. (先生,上帝自己尚且会等到末日时才对一个人下定论。)”卡耐基在书中对如何赢得朋友、影响他人之道的精辟阐述令人读后得到心灵的启迪。■

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《英语学习》2002年5期 专题



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