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4：EFFECTIVE SELFDISCLOSING

http://www.sina.com.cn 2003/11/14 09:46 中图读者俱乐部

　　　自我表露

PROVERB谚语

　　He that fools others ends up fooling himself.

　　骗人者终骗己。

　　Confiding a secret to an unworthy person is like carrying grain in a bag with a hole.

　　向小人诉说自己的秘密就像扛着有漏洞的袋子走路。

　　Never reveal all of yourself to other people; hold back something in reserve so that people are never quite sure if they really know you.

　　不要将自己的全部秘密告诉别人；永远有所保留，这样别人永远弄不清是否真正理解你。

　　A friend to all is a friend to nobody.

　　和所有人都做朋友的人没有真正的朋友。

COMPARATIVE DIALOGUE比较式对话

　　"Tommy's Family"

　　Member:

　　Tommy, 12 years old, and obviously troubled

　　Frank, Tommy's father

　　Millie, Tommy's mother

　　Sally, Tommy's teenage sister

　　汤米一家

　　成员:

　　汤米: 12岁，面临困惑

　　弗兰克:汤米的父亲

　　米莉:汤米的母亲

　　萨莉:汤米的姐姐

　　Scene 1: The Failure

　　[Tommy enters living room, throws books down on coffee table, and goes to the refrigerator.]

　　Frank (to Millie): What the hell is wrong with him?

　　Millie: I don't know. He's been acting strange the last few days.

　　Sally: Acting strange? He is strange. Weird.

　　[Tommy comes back /into/ the living room, sits down and stares /into/ space.]

　　Frank: Well, when you're 12 years old that's the way it is. I remember when I was 12. When I was your age, the big thing was girls. You got a girl, Tommy?

　　Sally: Hey Mom, how about driving me to the mall? I gotta get a new dress for next week.

　　Millie: Okay. I need a few things at K-Mart. You need anything, Tommy? You don't want to come with us, do you?

　　Sally: please say no. If people see us together, they'll think we're related. God! My life would be ruined. People would ignore me. No one would talk to me.

　　Frank: Okay. Okay. That's enough. You two go to the mall. I'm going bowling. Tommy will be okay home alone.

　　Tommy: Yeah.

　　Sally: Mom, let's go.

　　Millie: All right. I just have to call Grandma and see if she's okay.

　　Sally: Oh, that reminds me. I have to call Jack. Lori left him for a college guy and he's really down in the dumps. I thought I'd call to cheer him up.

　　Millie: Can't you do that when we get back?

　　Sally: Yeah, I guess.

　　Frank: Well, you guys have fun. I'm off to bowl. Joe and Pete are still waiting for me.

　　Millie: Hello, Mom? How are you doing? Is the arthritis acting up? I figure that with this weather it must be really bad.

　　Sally: Come on, Mom.

　　[Frank exits; Tommy turns on TV]

　　第一幕:失败的交流

　　(Tommy走进起居室，把书往咖啡桌上一扔，朝冰箱走去。)

　　Frank(对Millie):他怎么了？

　　Millie:不知道，他这几天就很奇怪。

　　Sally:奇怪？简直是莫名其妙。

　　(Tommy回到起居室，坐下来，望着天花板发愣)

　　Frank:你十二岁的时候也是这个样子。我记得我十二岁的时候，最重要的问题是出在和女生的交往上，Tommy，你是不是有女朋友了？

　　Sally:嗨，妈妈，开车送我去商场怎么样？我想买一件新衣服下星期穿。

　　Millie:好，我也要到凯玛特去买几样东西。Tommy，你要点什么？你不会跟我们一块去，对不对？

　　Sally:千万别去，让别人看见咱俩在一起，会误以为咱们是一对，天啊，那我可就毁了，人们会不理我，没有人会跟我说话。

　　Frank:好了，好了，够了。你和你妈去商场。我要去打保龄球。Tommy一个人呆在家里没问题。

　　Tommy:行。

　　Sally:妈妈，咱们走吧。

　　Millie:好，我先给你奶奶打个电话，看看她身体怎么样了？

　　Sally:呃，这正好让我想起一件事。我得给Jack打个电话。Lori把他甩了，又找了个大学生。这让他特别伤心。我觉得我应该打个电话让他振作一点。

　　Millie:回来再打不行吗？

　　Sally:那也行。

　　Frank:呃，你们好好逛吧，我要去打保龄球了，Joe和Pete还在等着我呢。

　　Millie:喂，妈？你身体怎么样？关节炎有没有再犯？这种天气实在太糟糕。

　　Sally:快点，妈。

　　(Frank走后，Tommy打开了电视)

　　In this dialogue Tommy's father, mother, and sister illustrate the typical failure to help another person to share feelings. Although Tommy gave enough signals-throwing books down on the coffee table, saying nothing, staring /into/ space-nobody showed any real concern and nobody encouraged him to talk about what was on his mind. Note too that even though the father was aware that Tommy was disturbed, he directed his question to Millie instead of Tommy. And in his comment he expressed negative evaluation ("What the hell is wrong with him?").

　　Note also that the few comments addressed to Tommy (for example, the father's "You got a girlfriend?" and the mothers "You dont want to come with us, do you?") fail to consider Tommy's present feelings. The father's comment is for personal amusement rather than a question about Tommy. The mother's comment is negative and, in effect, asks Tommy not to join them.

　　But the most damaging part of this interaction occurs when father, mother, and sister not only ignore Tommy's feelings and problems, but each expresses concern for someone else-sister for Jack, father for Joe, and mother for Grandma. Their comments tell Tommy that he is not worth their time and energy but that others are.

　　在上面这个对话中，Tommy的父亲、母亲和姐姐都没有帮助Tommy表达他的感情，这是典型的失败的交流。虽然Tommy给了足够的暗示--把书扔在咖啡桌上，不说话，望着天花板发愣--但是没有人对他表示出真正的关心，也没有人鼓励他谈谈心事。注意第一句话，Tommy的爸爸虽然明白Tommy碰到麻烦了，但却把话题转向了Millie，而不是直接问Millie发生了什么事。他的话是一种否定的评价("他是怎么回事？")。

　　注意那几句针对Tommy的话(父亲的"你有女朋友了？"；母亲的"你不会跟我们一块去，对不对？")都没能考虑到Tommy的感受。父亲的话只是开了个玩笑，而不是提出一个问题。母亲的话实际上想让Tommy不要跟着去。

　　最具杀伤力的是对话中的父亲、母亲和姐姐，不仅对Tommy的感受和问题不理不问，而且去关心别人--姐姐想到了Jack，父亲想到了Joe，母亲想到了奶奶。这些行为会让Tommy觉得他得不到家人的关爱和注意，但别人却能。

　　Scene 2: The Success

　　[Tommy enters living room, throws books down on coffee table, and goes to the refrigerator.]

　　Father (calling /into/ the kitchen): Hey, Tommy, what's up? You look pretty angry.

　　Tommy: It's nothing. Just school.

　　Sister: He's just weird, Dad.

　　Father: You mean "Weird" like the mad scientist in the movies?

　　Sister: No. You know what I meanhe's different.

　　Father: Oh, well that's something else. That's great. I'm glad Tommy is different. The world doesn't need another clone and Tommy is certainly no clone. At 12 years old, it's not easy being unique.Right Tommy?Tommy (to sister): Yeah, unique.Father (to mother and daughter): Are you still planning to go to the mall?

　　Sister: Yeah, I have to get a new dress.

　　Mother: And I need some things at K-Mart. Are you going bowling?

　　Father: Well, I was planning on it but I thought I might cancel and stay home. Tommy, you got any plans? If not, how about doing something together?

　　Tommy: No. You want to go bowling.

　　Father: I can bowl anytime. Come on. How about we take a drive to the lake and take a swim-just the two of us. And I'd like to hear about what's going on in school.

　　Tommy: Okay, let's go. I need to put on my trunks. You know I can swim four lengths without stopping.

　　Father: Four lengths? Well, I got to see that. Get those trunks on and we're out of here.

　　Sister: Mom, let's go-o-o-o.

　　Mother: Okay. Okay. Okay. But, I have to call Grandma first to see if she's all right.

　　Father: Let me say hello too.

　　Mother (to Tommy and sister): You two want to talk to Grandma too?

　　Sister: Of course. I got to tell her about this great new guy at school.

　　Mother: Oh, I want to hear about this, too. Well, we'll have plenty of time to talk in the car.

　　Tommy: Hey Mom, I gotta tell Grandma about my new bike. So let me talk first so Dad and I can get to the lake.

　　[Later, Tommy and Father in car]

　　Father (puts arm on Tommy's shoulder): School got you down?

　　Tommy: It's this new teacher. What a pain. I can't understand what he's talking about. Maybe I'm just stupid.

　　Father: What don't you understand?

　　Tommy: I don't know. He calls it pregeometry. What's pregeometry?

　　Scene 2: The Success

　　(Tommy走进起居室，把书往咖啡桌上一扔，朝冰箱走去。)

　　Father(朝着厨房喊):嗨，Tommy，怎么了？你心情不好吗？

　　Tommy:没什么，学校里的问题。

　　Sister:他真是莫名其妙，爸爸。

　　Father:就像电影里的那些疯狂的科学家那样吗？

　　Sister:不，你知道我的意思--他与众不同。

　　Father:呃，那意思可就有区别了，我很高兴Tommy能够与众不同。这个世界上可不需要克隆一个Tommy，十二岁的时候就变得独一无二，这可不简单，Tommy，对吧？

　　Tommy(对姐姐):是的，独一无二。

　　Father(对妻子和女儿):你们还想去商场吗？

　　Sister:对，我要买件新衣服。

　　Mother:我也要去买些东西。你要去打保龄球吗?

　　Father:呃，我原计划要去，不过现在可能取消，在家里呆着。Tommy，你有什么安排吗？如果没有，咱们一起干点什么好不好？

　　Tommy:我没安排，你不是要去打保龄球吗？

　　Father:我什么时候玩都行。咱们开车去游泳怎么样？就咱们两个人，你跟我说说学校里的事。

　　Tommy:好，咱们去。我先换上泳衣。我可以一口气游四个来回。

　　Father:四个来回？到时候我一定看看。穿上泳衣，咱们走吧。

　　Sister:妈，咱们走吧。

　　Mother:好好好，不过我先给你姥姥打个电话，看看她身体怎么样了。

　　Father:我也问个好。

　　Mother: (对Tommy和Sally )你们两个要和姥姥说话吗？

　　Sister:当然了，我得告诉她我们学校里来了一个了不起的新同学。

　　Mother:我也想听听，咱们在车上可以好好谈谈。

　　Tommy:妈妈，我要告诉姥姥我有了一辆新自行车。我先说吧，我要和爸爸去湖边。

　　(后来，Tommy和父亲在车上)

　　Father(把胳膊放在Tommy肩膀上):学校里发生了什么不顺心的事?

　　Tommy:都怪我们的新老师，他真让人受不了。我不明白他讲什么。我可能有点笨。

　　Father:什么内容你不明白？

　　Tommy:我也不知道，他说是pregeometry，那是什么？

SKILL AND ANALYSIS交流技巧与分析

　　The above interaction is drastically different from the previous one and illustrates three ways you can use to facilitate self-disclosure.

　　1. Address feelings directly. Notice that Tommy's feelings are addressed immediately and directly by his father.

　　2. Show concern for the other person and the other persons feelings. The father shows that he cares for Tommy by defending him. For example, he turns Sally's negative comment /into/ a positive one (from "weird" to "unique") and gives up bowling to be with Tommy.

　　3. Be supportive rather than evaluative. Instead of asking Tommy "What's wrong with you?" the father reflects Tommy has already revealed ("school got you down？"). This is a good example of active listening. This dialogue sets an example for self-disclosure. Both Tommy and his father are comfortable. Tommy knows that his father supports and is interested in him.

　　上面的对话和先前的对话截然不同。通过这则对话，你可以学会三种促进自我表露的方式:

　　1.直接说出别人的感觉。注意在这一段对话中，Tommy的父亲直接说出了Tommy的感受。

　　2.表示对对方本人以及对方感情的关注。对话中的父亲通过为Tommy辩护表达了他的关注。比如说，他把Sally的贬损的话转换成肯定的评价(从"莫名其妙"到"独一无二")，为了和Tommy在一起，他还放弃了打保龄球的计划。

　　3.鼓励支持对方而不做出评价。Tommy的父亲没有问:你出什么问题了？而是问:学校里发生了什么不顺心的事? Tommy其实已经在前面提到了学校的事情让他不开心，这说明Tommy的父亲主动认真地听了Tommy说过的话。这个对话也是一个解释自我表露的很好的例子。Tommy和他的父亲很融洽。Tommy知道父亲关心并支持他。

　　Information Might Be Revealed Between Strangers in a Two-Hour Conversation

　　陌生人之间在两小时内可能谈到的话:

　　Zero to Fifteen Minutes:

　　1. Im a volunteer at a local hospital.

　　2. Im from New York.

　　3. My son is a freshman at Penn State University.

　　4. I have a dog and three cats.

　　一到十五分钟:

　　1.我在一家地方医院里做义工。

　　2.我是纽约人。

　　3.我儿子刚刚上宾州大学。

　　4.我有一只狗三只猫。

　　Fifteen to Thirty minutes:

　　1. My wife is a good cook.

　　2. Ive been skiing only once.

　　3. I like hunting for antiques.

　　4. I really enjoy playing tennis.

　　十五到三十分钟:

　　1.我妻子做饭很好吃。

　　2.我就滑过一次雪。

　　3.我搜集古董。

　　4.我喜欢打网球。

　　Thirty to Forty-Five Minutes:

　　1. I've never really had a vacation.

　　2. Most of my clothes are blue or green.

　　3. One of my favorite authors is Mark Twain.

　　4. I wear contact lenses.

　　三十到四十五分钟:

　　1.我从来没有过一个真正意义上的假期。

　　2.我的大多数衣服是蓝色或绿色的。

　　3.我最喜欢的作家是马克·吐温。

　　4.我带隐形眼镜。

　　Forty-Five to Sixty Minutes:

　　1. I am thirtyfive years old.

　　2. It bothers me to see young women cursing.

　　3. My parents were much more conservative than I am.

　　4. I want to give my children all of the things I never had as a child.

　　四十五到六十分钟:

　　1.我三十五岁。

　　2.我很反感年轻女人的骂人行为。

　　3.我父母比我还保守。

　　4.我想给我儿女我童年时没能拥有的东西。

　　Sixty to seventy-Five Minutes:

　　1. I dont like people who smile all the time.

　　2. People who dont finish what they start always annoy me.

　　3. I dont believe in evolution.

　　4. I dislike my job so much I would like to quit tomorrow and move to a farm.

　　六十到七十五分钟:

　　1.我不喜欢总是满面笑容的人。

　　2.那些做事情半途而废的人总是让我厌烦。

　　3.我不相信进化论。

　　4.我非常厌恶我的工作，我想明天就辞职不干，到乡下去。

　　Seventy-Five to Ninety Minutes:

　　1. I don't believe that there is an afterlife, but I'm really not sure.

　　2. I hate lying in bed at night, listening to the clock tick.

　　3. I believe in mercykilling when there is absolutely no hope of survival.

　　4. My motherinlaw really dislikes me.

　　七十五到九十分钟:

　　1.我不相信有来生，但我又不敢确定。

　　2.我讨厌晚上躺在床上听时钟的嗒嗒声。

　　3.当实在无药可救的时候，我赞成采用安乐死。

　　4.我岳母很不喜欢我。

　　Ninety to One Hundred Five Minutes:

　　1. I find it difficult to respond rationally when I am criticized.

　　2. I suspect people's motives when they compliment me.

　　3. I think we got married much too young.

　　4. My husband and I stay together for the sake of the children.

　　九十到一百零五分钟:

　　1.受到批评时，我难以做出理智的回答。

　　2.别人称赞我时，我会怀疑他们的动机。

　　3.我觉得我结婚太早了。

　　4.我和我丈夫只是为了孩子才没有离婚。

　　Statements perceived as Not Occurring in a Two-Hour Conversation Between Previously Unacquainted Persons:

　　1. I had my first sexual experience when I was twentyone.

　　2. I make 13,000 a year.

　　3. I'm suspicious of my husband's constant need to work late.

　　4. We got married earlier than we'd planned because I was pregnant.陌生人之间在两个小时内不大可能谈到的话题:

　　1.我是在二十一岁时有的第一次性经验。

　　2.我一年赚一万三千美元。

　　3.我丈夫经常需要工作到很晚，我对此起了疑心。

　　4.因为怀孕的缘故，我们提早结了婚。

　　SELF-TEST自测题

　　How willing you are to self-disclose?

　　1. If you are willing to self-disclose, others will always reciprocate.

　　2. You should always reciprocate if someone has self-disclosed to you.

　　3. Self-disclosure is synonymous with self-description.

　　4. Men disclose more about themselves than do women.

　　5. Women experience greater difficulty in beginning and main-taining close friendships than men.

　　6. Women's friendships are often built around shared activities.

　　7. When people do not self-disclosethey risk losing relation ships with other people.

　　8. Self-awareness means the ability to see yourself realistically, without much difference between how you are and how others see you.

　　9. The most effective level of communication insgroupsto improve human relation is expressing feelings and emotions on the gut level.

　　10. The Johari Window deals with how much you know about yourself and how much you show others.

　　The correct answer of items 1- 6 is false; the correct answer of items 7-10 is true. The more you put the answers right, the higher your perception to self-diclo-sure.

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