|5：COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY ACROSS GENDER|
|http://www.sina.com.cn 2003/11/14 09:48 中图读者俱乐部|
At the moment of meeting, parting begins.
The longing for interpersonal intimacy stays with every human being from infancy throughout life; and there is no human being who is not threatened by its loss.
I am good, you love me; therefore you are good. I am bad, you love me; therefore you are bad.
R. D. Laing
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."Mature love says:" I need you because I love you."
Ignoring Relationship Considerations:
PAUL: I'm going bowling tomorrow. The guys at the plant are starting a team.
[He focuses on the content and ignores any relation-ship implications of the message.]
JUDY: Why can't we ever do anything together?
[She responds primarily on a relationship level and ignores the content implications of the message, and expresses her displeasure at being ignored in his decision.]
PAUL: We can do something together any time; tomorrow's the day they're organizing the team.
[Again, he focuses almost exclusively on the content.]
This example reflects that men focus more on content messages. Women focus more on relationship messages. Once you recognize this gender difference, you can increase your sensitivity to the opposite sex.
Being Sensitive to Relationship Considerations.
PAUL: The guys at the plant are organizing a team. I'd like to go to the organizational meeting tomorrow. Okay?
[Although he focuses on content, he shows awareness of the relationship dimensions by asking if this would be okay and by expressing his desire rather than his decision to attend this meeting.]
JUDY: That sounds great but I'd really like to do something together tomorrow.
[She focuses on the relationship dimension but also acknowledges his content orientation.]
PAUL: How about your meeting me at Luigi's and we can have dinner after the organizational meeting?
[He responds to the relationship aspect without abandoning his desire to join the bowling team-and seeks to incorporate it to negotiate a solution that will meet both Judy's and his needs.]
JUDY: That sounds great, I'm dying for spaghetti and meatballs.
[She responds to both messages, approving of both his joining the team and of their dinner date.]
Jeanne: Next time try to pick me up earlier so we can be on time.
Craig: It's only a party. Next time tell me beforehand if you think it's so important to be there. And don't sound so annoyed.
Jeanne: But you're always late.
Craig: I'm not always late. Don't generalize like that.
Jeanne: Well, you're late a lot of the time. Why do you always put me down when I say something about you?
Craig: I don't "always"put you down. There you go again, generalizing.
Although they may well remember it simply as a quarrel about lateness, Craig and Jeanne are arguing about how they communicate with each other. He tells her not to sound so annoyed, he informs her that she makes too many generalizations, she counters that he puts her down, and so on. In effect, they are arguing about their relationship.
Eve had a lump removed from her breast. Shortly after the operation, talking to her sister, she said that she found it upsetting to have been cut /into/, and that looking at the stitches was distressing because they left a seam that had changed the contour of her breast. Her sister said, "I know. When I had my operation I felt the same way."Eve made the same observation to her friend Karen, who said, "I know. It's like your body has been violated."But when she told her husband Mark how she felt, he said," You can have plastic surgery to cover up the scar and restore the shape of your breast."
Eve had been comforted by her sister and her friend, but she was not comforted by Mark's comment. Quite the contrary, it upset her more. Not only didn't he hear what she wanted, that he understood her feelings, but far worse, she felt he was asking her to undergo more surgery just when she was telling him how much this operation had upset her.
Eve had wanted understanding, but Mark had given her advice. He was trying to act as a problem solver, when instead, she wanted him to confirm her feeling and give her support.
Men put great emphasis on activity and content whereas women put great emphasis on feeling and relationship.
Following are the visualization on the speaking topics of women and men:
According to relationship counselor John Gray, difficulties in relationships between a man and a woman lie in the lack of understanding and acceptance of the differences between the two sexes. Gray's famous book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" turned out to be a phenomenal best seller.
1. Men like to help women by fixing problems.
2. Women like to help men by improving men.
3. Men do not like womens attempt to improve them. They feel humiliated.
4. Fixing problems for them is not what women want the most from men.
5. When men are down, they want womens loving acceptance, not their criticism and unsolicited advice. Men want to be trusted and admired.
6. When women are down, they like to talk about their problems. They want men to be sympathetic listeners, not necessarily offer solutions to their problems.
7. Men are goaloriented problems solvers.
8. Women have a need to talk about their feelings. They need to be heard and understood. Instead of being busy figuring out how to solve their problems, men should show their acknowledge- ment vocally or through nodding and brief eye contact.
9. Men talk to exchange information.
10. Women talk to express feelings.
11. Men need to be alone sometimes. Every now and then, especially when under stress, they need to retreat to their "Cave" and do not want to be disturbed. Insisting on helping them before they are ready to emerge from the cave can feel like harassment.
12. Women, under stress and in other times, like to seek out contact and make human connections.
13. Naturally and cyclically, womens moods go though highs and lows.
14. Men are often disconcerted by womens emotions.
15. Women tend to use dramatic expressions such as "you ALWAYS forget" or "you NEVER listen to me". Men should not take those literally but sympathize with the sentiments they convey.
16. Men and women, even when they speak the same words,may speak different languages.
Men's friendships are often built around shared activities--attending a ball game, playing cards, working on a project at the office. Women's friendships, on the other hand, are built more around a sharing of feelings. Similarity in status, in willingness to protect one's friend in uncomfortable situations was significantly related to the closeness of male-male friends but not of female-female or female-male friends. We can conclude with certain degree of confidence that similarity is a criterion for male friendships but not for female or mixed-sex friendships.
Men tend to value individual achievement, and focus on activities, whereas women tend to value relationships, and focus on communication. In the light of this difference, women may wonder why men don't seem to be interested in discussing the details of what happened during the day while they were apart; men may wonder why women want to spend too much time talking about trivial issues. Women may feel that intimate talk precedes great sex; men may feel that great sex produces intimacy. Women may ask their male partners why they never say "I love you"；men may respond with frustration because they do a great deal to show their female partners that they care.
Most of the questions on this quiz are concerned with an IDEAL society with no sexism, no racism, no homophobia, perfect parenting etc. (But we would have the SAME genes as we do now.)
1. In the above ideal society, little girls and boys would play equally often with toy trucks.
2. In the above ideal society, men and women would NOT be equally interested in right and leftbrain activities.
3. In the above ideal society, most job categories would have about 50∶50 malefemale representation.
4. In the above ideal society, jobs would be given to the most qualified applicant, male or female.
5. In the above ideal society, the average man and the average woman would have equal interest in sex.
6. In the above ideal society, the average man would do more housework than he does now.
7. In the above ideal society, men and women would cry about the same amounts.
8. In the above ideal society, women and men would have unequal interests in such activities as shopping and sports.
9. In the above ideal society, women and men would get angry equally often.
10. In the above ideal society, mens attitudes towards sex would still be significantly different from the attitudes of women.
11. In the above ideal society, most characteristics that we now call "masculine" and "feminine" would be displayed equally often by women and men.
12. In todays society real men often display "feminine" characteristics and real women often display "masculine" characteristics. This is healthy.
In the above test, those questions with an odd number are false, and those with an even number are true. Check about your answers to these questions, the more you put them right, the more sensitive you are in gender differences.
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