| 8：ASSERTIVE & AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION |
| http://www.sina.com.cn 2003/11/16 18:30 中图读者俱乐部 |
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自述式与挑衅式表达
PROVERB谚语 Sometimes words hurt more than swords. 言语能伤人，有时胜刀剑。 The aim of an argument or discussion should not be vitory, but progress. Joseph Joubert 争论或讨论的目的并不是分出胜负，而是促进进步。 朱伯特 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. Indira Gandhi 攥紧的拳头无法握手。 甘地 It is not he who gains the exact point in dispute scores most in controversy, but he who has shown the most forberance and the better temper. Samuel Butler 辩论中得分最高的并非一语中的的人，而是显出最大耐心，更具涵养的人。 巴特勒
COMPARATIVE STATEMENTS比较式表达 Example 1: Aggressive: You are lazy. Assertive: Help me understand how you choose what is important enough to do. 挑衅式:你真懒。 自述式:告诉我，你是怎样确定哪些事情值得做，哪些事情不值得做的。 Example 2: Aggressive: I hate you. Assertive: This makes me angry. 挑衅式:我恨你。 自述式:这让我很生气。 Example 3: Aggressive: That was stupid. Assertive: I don’t understand that. 挑衅式:那种行为很愚蠢。 自述式:我不明白那种行为。 Example 4: Aggressive: You’re a liar. Assertive: Our facts don’t agree. 挑衅式:你撒谎。 自述式:咱们掌握的事实不一致。 Example 5: Aggressive: I wish you wouldn’t handle me so roughly. Assertive: I really enjoy it when you’re especially gentle. 挑衅式:我希望你不要那么粗鲁地对待我。 自述式:你温柔地对待我的时候，我感到很高兴。 Example 6: Aggressive: You look horrible in stripes. Assertive: You look you best, I think, in solid colors. 挑衅式:你穿有条纹的衣服很难看。 自述式:我觉得你穿纯色的衣服最好看。 Example 7: Aggressive: You suggestion is wrong. (Sends the message that the speaker is stupid and you are superior.)Assertive: I disagree with the suggestion and I’d like to explain why.](Invites discussion or dialogue on the content.) 挑衅式:你的意见是错误的。 (含义：说话者很愚蠢，而你则高人一等。) 自述式:我不赞成你的意见，我想谈谈我的理由。 (含义：欢迎讨论和对话。) Example 8: Aggressive: Because of your lack of performance, we are going to fail on this project. (Communicates negative judgment and heavy blame.) Assertive: I’m afraid this continued performance problem could lead to failure if we don’t react quickly. (Implies a solution to a problem.) 挑衅式:由于你表现不佳，我们可能会输掉这个项目。 (含义：否定的评价，强烈的谴责) 自述式:如果我们不积极应对的话，这样的表现可能会导致失败。 (含义：提出了解决问题的办法。) Example 9: Aggressive: Why your report is late? (Invites a negative defensive reaction.) Assertive: Help me understand why the report wasn’t submitted on time. (Asks for explanation.) 挑衅式:为什么这么晚才交报告？ (含义：可能引起对方的辩解。) 自述式:我想了解一下这篇报告没有及时上交的原因。 (含义：要求对方解释。) Example 10: Aggressive: Because of your background and lack of knowledge, you probably don’t understand the complexity of this information. (Implies ignorance and blames the receiver for any potential inaccuracy or miscommunication.) Assertive: I want to do everything I can to make this complex information clear and understandable. (Allows the deliverer to take responsibility and implies a strong commitment to communicating effectively.) 挑衅式:因为你的知识有限，你可能不明白这个消息的复杂性。 (含义：听这话的人有点无知。) 自述式:我尽我最大的努力，看看能不能把这个复杂的消息说清楚。 (含义：表明自身的积极态度。)
SKILL交流技巧 We should try to avoid aggressive statements in communication and use assertive statements instead. 交流的时候，我们要尽量使用自述式语言，避免使用挑衅式的语言。
FURTHER ANALYSIS深入分析 You-Statements & I-Statements The use of an aggressive communication style may be the single greatest contributor to communication disconnects and misunderstandings in all kinds of circumstances. It is often the dominant communication patterns, which are learned very early in life, adds to the difficulty of changing them. It will not be easy for you to abandon your aggressive patterns and embrace assertive ones. If you are successful, you will significantly increase you communication effectiveness. Aggressive messages tend to evaluate people or their deeds. When you evaluate or judge another person or what that person has done, that person is likely to become resentful and defensive and is likely to respond with attempts to defend himself or herself and perhaps at the same time to become equally evaluative and judgmental. On the other hand, Assertive messages are subject to discription. When you describe what happened, it creates no such defensiveness and is generally seen as supportive. The distinction between evaluation and description can be seen in the difference between you-statements and I-statements. Evaluatitive remarks generally employ you-statements while describtive remarks generally employ I-statements. Thus, it’s safe to say aggressive messages which are often expressed in you-statements while assertive messages are often expressed in I-statements. “你语言”和“我语言” 生活的各个场合存在各种各样的误解，挑衅式语言的大量使用是造成这些误解的元凶。这种形式的语言风格常常主导人们的交流行为，并形成一朝一夕难以改变的习惯。根除挑衅式语言风格，树立健康的自述式语言风格并非易事，但一旦你成功地做到了这一点，你的交流能力就会获得极大的提高。 挑衅式的语言常常对当事者或他们的行为做出评价，这样很容易激起当事者的抵触情绪，有时当事者甚至会反唇相讥，还以颜色。自述式的语言常常是对当事者或他们的行为做出描述，这样能够创造出宽松和谐的氛围。评价和描述的区别还体现在“你语言”和“我语言”的使用上。评价性质的言论通常使用“你语言”，描述性的言论通常使用“我语言”。因此可以得出下面这个结论：挑衅式言论通常是以“你语言”表达出来的；描述式言论通常是以“我语言”表达出来的。 Following are some additional examples of youstatements and Istatements: 下面是六个关于“你语言”和“我语言”的例子： Example 11: You-statement: You never reveal your feelings. I-statement: I would like hearing how you feel about this. 你语言:你从来不说你的感受。 我语言:我很想听你谈谈你对此的感受。 Example 12: You-statement: You just don’t plan ahead. I-statement: I need to know what our schedule for the next few days will be. 你语言:你事先没有做出安排。 我语言:我想知道我们下面几天的安排。 Example 13: You-statement: You never call me. I-statement: I-d enjoy hearing from you more often. 你语言:你从来不给我打电话。 我语言:我很想经常接到你的电话。 Example 14: You-statement: You’re wrong. I-statement: I don’t agree. 你语言:你错了。 我语言:我不赞成。 Example 15: You-statement: I saw what you did, you violated our policy. I-statement: Tell me what it means when our policies are disregarded. 你语言:我看到你做的事了，这违反了我们的政策。 我语言:如果我们不尊重政策，那会意味着什么？ Example 16: You-statement: Why did you do this? You didn’t give me what I asked for. I-statement: Help me understand why it was done this way. 你语言:你为什么这样做？这不是我想要的东西。 我语言:告诉我，你为什么要这样做？ If you put yourself in the role of the listener hearing these statements, you probably can feel the resentment or defensiveness that the aggressive messages (you-statements) would create and the supportiveness from the assertive messages (I-statements.) 如果你集中注意力听别人讲话，你可能会感觉到挑衅式语言(你语言)造成的抵触情绪；以及自述式语言(我语言)创造出来的融洽气氛。 As discussed earlier, you-statements increase negative emotion and reduce the willingness of the receiver to absorb your message. Communicating aggressively shuts down the receiver’s listening process and creates an inevitable defensive response. If you experience a high rate of defensiveness in others when you offer feedback or criticism, carefully check whether you have been using an aggressive communication style. You may be creating their reaction unknowingly and unintentionally. 前面已经讲过，“你语言”容易激起人们的抵触情绪，这样别人不会认真思考你的话的真实含义。这种挑衅式的交流方式迫使别人为自己辩解，不会听你说话。在你的日常交流中，别人是否经常反驳你的观点？仔细体会一下你在交流中使用的语言，看看你有没有挑衅式的交流习惯。如果有的话，你可能在无意识地为自己树敌。 Is there a fixed precedure to present your assertive comment? The anwser is yes. This step is naturally the most difficult but obviously the most important. Here’s a generally effective pattern to follow in communicating assertively: ·Describe the problem; don’t evaluate or judge it. We’re all working on this advertising project together. You’re missing half our meeting and you still haven’t produced your first report. ·State how this problem affects you. My job depends on the success of this project and I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do extra work to make up for what you’re not doing. ·Propose solutions that are workable and that allow the person to save face. If you can get the report to thesgroupsby Tuesday, we’ll still be able to meet our deadline. And I could give you a call an hour before the meetings to remind you. ·Confirm understanding. It’s clear that we just can’t produce this project if you’re going to pull our legs. Will you have the report to us by Tuesday? 做出自述式评论的步骤有规律可循吗？答案是肯定的。寻找规律虽然艰难，但却很重要。下面这种方法屡试不爽： 指出问题所在；不要做出评价和判断。 大家都在为这个广告项目努力工作。而你有一半以上的会议没有参加，现在你还没能交上第一次报告。 指出这个问题对你的影响。 这个项目的成败关系到我的饭碗，让我去做你没有完成的工作，这很不公平。 指出可行的解决办法，保住当事者的脸面。 如果你能在星期二交上报告，我们还能赶上最后期限，下次开会之前一小时，我会给你打电话，提醒你这件事。 确认对方是否理解 显然，如果你再拖后腿的话，我们就完不成这个项目了，你能在星期二之前完成报告吗？ Finally, let’s repeat it: Always avoid aggressive you-based statements when delivering comment. Use assertive I-and we-based statements. 最后，我们再强调一下：在表达自己的看法时，避免使用挑衅式的“你语言”；尽量使用自述式的“我语言”。
SELF-TEST自测题 How Verbally Aggressive Are You? This scale is designed to measure how people try to do obtain compliance from others. For each statement, indicate the extent to which you feel it is true for you in your attempts to influence others. Use the following scale: 1= almost never true 2= rarely true 3= occasionally true 4= often true 5= almost always true 1. I am extremely careful to avoid attacking individualsintelligence when I attack their ideas. 2. When individuals are very stubborn, I use insults to soften the stubbornness. 3. I try very hard to avoidshavingsother people feel bad about themselves when I try to influence them. 4. When people refuse to do a task I know is important, without good reason, I tell them they are unreasonable. 5. When others do things I regard as stupid, I try to be extremely gentle with them. 6. If individuals I am trying to influence really deserve it, I attack their character.7. When people behave in ways that are really in very poor taste, I insult them insgroupsto shock them /into/ proper behavior. 8. I try to make people feel good about themselves even when their ideas are stupid. 9. When people simply will not budge on a matter of importance, I lose my temper and say rather strong things to them. 10. When people criticize my shortcomings, I take it in good humor and do not try to get back at them. 11. When individuals insult me, I get a lot of pleasure out of really telling them off. 12. When I dislike individuals greatly, I try not to show it in what I say or how I say it. 13. I like poking fun at people who do things that are very stupid insgroupsto stimulate their intelligence. 14. When I attack a persons ideas, I try not to damager their selfconcepts. 15. When I try to influence people, I make a great effort not to offend them. 16. When people do things which are mean or cruel, I attack their character insgroupsto help correct their ehavior. 17. I refuse to participate in arguments when they involve personal attacks. 18. When nothing seems to work in trying to influence others. I yell and scream insgroupsto get some movement from them. 19. When I am not able to refute otherspositions, I try to make them feel defensive insgroupsto weaken their positions. 20. When an argument shifts to personal attacks, I try very hard to change the subject. Thinking Critically About Verbal Aggressiveness Insgroupsto compute your verbal aggressiveness score, follow these steps: 1. Add you scores on items 2, 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 13, 16, 19 2. Add you scores on items 1, 3, 5, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17, 20 3. Subtract the sum obtained in Step 2 from 60. 4. To compute your verbal aggressiveness score, add the total obtained in Step 1 10 the result obtained in Step 3. If you scored between 59 and 100, you’re high in verbal aggressiveness; if you scored between 39 and 58, you’re moderate in verbal aggressiveness; and if you scored between 20 and 38, you’re low in verbal aggressiveness. In looking over your responses, make special note of the characteristics identified in the 20 statements that refer to the tendency to act verbally aggressive. Note those inappropriate behaviors that you’re especially prone to commit. High agreement (4’s or 5’s) with statements. 2, 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, and 19 and low agreement (1’s and 2’s) with statements 1, 3, 5, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17 and 20 will help you highlight any significant verbal aggressiveness you might have. Review you previous encounters when you acted verbally aggressive. What effect did such actions have on your subsequent interaction? What effect did they have on your relationship with the other person? What alternative ways of getting your point across might you have used? Might these have proved more effective? Source: From“Verbal Aggressiveness,”by Ominic Infante and C.J. Wigley, Communication Monographs 53, 1986, pp61-69. Used by permission of the National Communication Association and the authors. |
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