第九章有效调解

　　许多成功的谈判是在调解人的调解下完成的，本章将向您介绍调解人的定位和作用，并利用具体事例说明两种具体的调解方法：问题针对型调解方法和变革型调解方法。

　What Is a Mediator?什么是调解人？

　　The mediator is a facilitator, a combination of priest and sorcerer, there to make sure the conversation stays productive and doesn’t deteriorate /into/ name-calling, and finger-pointing, and other assorted destructive patterns.

　Functions of a Mediator调解人的作用

　　Project Neutrality: neutrality is easily said, not so easily achieved. Assuming you are human and that your parties are also human, it is the hardest thing to do. It is impossible to like everyone. Sometimes we are asked to help someone who is in a conflict situation. We may be asked to take sides, or we may be asked to get in the middle as a neutral party to help sort things out. Can we truly be neutral? To most of us, the word neutral means not taking sides. And we may be able to do that. We will still believe what we believe, and this may include an opinion about who is right and who is wrong. When we decide not to take sides, we are neutral on the outside, but we still have our beliefs and points of view on the inside. That is, we“look”neutral.

　　Looking neutral might include not voicing an opinion, ensuring that everyone involved in the conflict is heard, and keeping people safe. We might look neutral by carefully choosing words so that they do not support one side or another. Looking neutral might also include keeping confidences-not telling the other side something that someone has told you in confidence.

　　Looking neutral is not dishonest. You are not going to stop being yourself while you help people with their differences. However, you are going to behave in a way that makes people feel sure that you will be as evenhanded as possible.

　　One way to make sure that you look neutral to the people you are trying to help is to check with them. When people ask you to help them as a neutral party, tell them what looking neutral looks like to you and see whether that works for them. If everybody can agree to what neutral looks like, you have a better picture of how you can help.

　　Absorb Conflict: in addition to projecting neutrality in all you do, as a mediator you must absorb conflict at all times. Parties might argue with you or try to evoke a reaction. You must betray no emotion, be as expressionless as possible. You can nod to let them know you’re listening-and in fact, listen-but you must not react. No one can argue for very long with someone who won’t argue with him. It might frustrate a party that you won’t engage them, but they will ultimately give up. Don’t try to convince them or engage them. Just absorb the conflict.

　　Defuse Tension: in any dispute, there is a level of tension. Depending on the nature of the dispute, there can be an enormous amount of tension in the room. It saps energy and distracts the parties from their real goal. If there is more tension when the parties are in the same room, separate them. Perhaps you need to operate with only a small group, one or two from each side, in one room. Don’t be afraid to use humor with the parties, and encourage them to use it with one another.

　Problem Solving Mediation

　问题针对型调解

　　Two Siblings and One Orange

　　People:

　　Mediator-Tony

　　Sibling-Jerry

　　Sibling-Sandy

　　Situation:

　　Set up a table with three chairs. The chairs for the two siblings face one another across the table. Tony’s chair is between them. As the siblings come in, Tony greets them and asks them to take a seat. When both siblings are seated, Tony takes a seat.

　　Tony: I understand that there is some problem about an orange between you two?

　　Jerry: I’ll say! This jerk knows that I need the orange, and...

　　Sandy: (interrupting) That’s exactly like Jerry! Everything is about what Jerry needs...

　　Tony: (interrupting) Let’s wait just a minute, Sandy. Jerry, you too. I need to tell you how this will work. Most important, you both need to know that I’m not here to make any decisions for you. This isn’t like courtswheresyou tell me things and I decide for you. This is an opportunity for the two of you to sit down together, talk about what the problem is, and figure out a solution that works for both of you. How does that sound?

　　Jerry: I have a solution in mind already. We just have to get through to Simple Simon over there.

　　Tony: Right now I need to know that you are both willing to work together on this problem. You will get a chance to tell your story, Jerry. For now, tell me if you are willing to talk this out.

　　Jerry: Sure. I’ll stay if Sandy stays.

　　Tony: Sandy?

　　Sandy: I’ll stay, but Jerry has to stop calling me names.

　　Tony: Good. In fact, why don’t we make that a ground rule for our meeting?“No name-calling.”The siblings nod their agreement.

　　Tony: Here’s how this will work. Everything you tell me will be confidential. I won’t tell anyone about what we talk about here unless you want me to. You may see me take notes so I can keep my thinking straight, but you’ll also see me tear my notes up when we are finished. I won’t take sides but will be here to be sure that you both are represented and to help you figure this out. We’ll start byshavingseach of you bring me up to date on what the problem is. First one will speak and then the other. During that time, I don’t want you to interrupt - just listen. If there is something you want to be sure to say, write it down and say it during your turn. Once you have had your turns, we can ask questions and talk about different points of view. If we come up with a solution that works for both of you, we’ll write it down and sign it. Sound good?

　　Sandy and Jerry nod.

　　Tony: Who would like to go first?

　　Sandy: It may as well be Jerry. Jerry always goes first.

　　Jerry: All right, I will.

　　Tony: Is that really all right, Sandy?

　　Sandy: Yeah.

　　Jerry: Sandy has this self-image of being a great chef or something. I came home from running and wanted some fresh orange juice. It’s full of antioxidants and vitamin C. I need it after a run, but-no! Sandy has to bake. I’m hot, I’m tired, I’m thirsty. So all I did was pick up the orange and start to walk out of the room.

　　Sandy: I was using it!!!

　　Tony: (calmly) You’ll get your turn, Sandy.

　　Jerry: See how Sandy always interrupts and yells! Anyway, I picket up the orange...

　　Sandy: I do not interrupt and yell!

　　Tony: (still calm, but a little more firmly) Sandy, let’s let Jerry finish. You may want to write down what you were going to say so you don’t forget it.(Sandy writes furiously on the tablet on the table:“I don’t yell!!!”)

　　Tony: Jerry?

　　Jerry: I picked up the orange and started to go out of the room and Sandy came after me screaming that the orange wasn’t mine, that it was part of some recipe.

　　(There is pause.)

　　Tony: Anything else, Jerry?

　　Jerry: That’s about all there was to it. All I wanted was to make some orange juice.

　　Tony: Thanks. Now, Sandy, why don’t you...

　　Sandy: I was using that orange! Jerry just waltzes in and grabs the orange without asking and I need the entire peel to grate /into/ my special Blue Ribbon Pound Cake. It’s just like Jerry to ignore what I need. It’s not like jerry isn’t going to get any of the cake, but no! Jerry has to have juice. It’s infuriating!

　　Tony: Anything else, Sandy?

　　Sandy: No.

　　Tony: Do you have questions for one another?

　　Jerry: Yeah. Why does Sandy have to be such a jerk?

　　Sandy: That’s name-calling! You said you wouldn’t call names!

　　Tony: We did agree to not call names, Jerry. Is there another way you can ask Sandy the question?

　　Jerry: Why is Sandy always acting like baking is the most important thing? Why can’t I take the orange and make juice if I’m thirsty?Tony: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Sandy?

　　Sandy: I know that you want juice, but you want some of my Blue Ribbon Pound Cake, too... If there’s not orange peel, there’s no Blue Ribbon Pound Cake. You just make me so mad when you come in and interrupt everything I have planned and take the orange just because you need juice. Blue Ribbon Pound Cakes don’t grow on trees.

　　Jerry: You make great cakes, but when I come in all hot and thirsty, I really need my freshly squeezed orange juice. I can’t wait to cut that orange open and squeeze the juice out of it.

　　Tony: Can you explain something to me? Sandy, how do you use the orange in your Blue Ribbon Pound Cake?

　　Sandy: I zest it.

　　Jerry: Oh, brother!

　　Sandy: That’s what it’s called. I have this thing like a little grater, and I rub it all over the orange peel and the peel comes off /into/ the batter. It’s what gives my Blue Ribbon Pound Cake that special something.

　　Tony: Thanks. And Jerry, how do you make juice?

　　Jerry: I cut the peel off and put the orange in the juicer.

　　Tony: Any ideas？

　　Sandy: Yes! If Jerry wants cake, then no juice for Jerry.

　　Jerry: That’s just stupid. I’ll make my juice, and you can dig the peel out of the trash for your stupid cake.

　　(There is a pause.)

　　Sandy:Better idea: I’ll use the zest and when I’m done baking you can have the orange.

　　Jerry: I’m not waiting for you. When I come in I’m thirsty.

　　Tony: So what do we have so far? (checks notes) Sandy, you just need the peel, and Jerry, you just need the fruit.

　　Sandy: But I’m not digging the peel out of the trash.

　　Jerry: You wouldn’t have to. I could leave it on the table for you. But I have to have my juice first.

　　Sandy: In other words, I have to wait for you to come back until I can finish my cake. This isn’t working.

　　Tony: Wait a minute, Sandy. Is there some way that there could be juice ready when Jerry needed it and you wouldn’t have to wait to start baking?

　　Sandy: I’m not making Jerry’s juice, if that’s what you mean.

　　Jerry: Just take the peel, and leave the fruit in the fridge. I’ll make my own juice when I get home.

　　Tony: Will that work?

　　Sandy: Works for me.

　　Jerry: Will I still get some cake?

　　Discussion: When the demonstration is finished, thank the two siblings and let them return to their regular seats. Explain that the next steps in the process would often include writing an agreement for each sibling to sign.“The two siblings finally came to an agreement that worked for them about the orange. Were there any issues other than the orange that we could have talked about?”

　　Some groups will come up with answers to this; some will not. If yoursgroupshas some answers, write then on a flip chart as they say them to you. If you do not, suggest that some other issues were brought up besides the orange, including.One calls the other names.

　　Jerry always goes first.

　　Jerry doesn’t always seem to value Sandy’s baking.

　　Sandy yells and interrupts.

　　Sandy says that Jerry ignores his or her needs.

　　Sandy is very proud of the pound cake.

　　At one point, Jerry says,“You make great cakes.”

　　Sandy and Jerry have slightly different values.

　　Explain that some or all of these things could help or hinder the success of the two siblings- agreement about the orange. Mediators need to decide what issues they should be focusing on.

Transformative Mediation变革型调解

　　There are some mediators who see their role not as problem solver but as a person who helps people in conflict to learn and grow from the experience. This approach was called transformative mediation. In transformative mediation, the mediator looks for opportunities for empowerment and recognition. Empowerment occurs when people realize that they have the power to deal with their own conflicts and to speak out in their own voice about what they need. Recognition is the acknowledgment of the other person’s feelings, rights, and empowerment. Recognition does not necessarily as that you agree with the other person, but that you recognize him or her as an individual, not as a piece of the puzzle to be solved.

　　Two Siblings and One Orange

　　People:

　　Mediator - Tony

　　Sibling 1 - Jerry

　　Sibling 2 - Sandy

　　A table and several chairs are available. As the siblings come in, Tony greets them and asks them to take a seat. They sitswheresthey choose. When both siblings are seated, Tony takes a seat.

　　Tony: How can I help you?

　　Jerry: We’re here because of Sandy. We have one orange in the house. This jerk knows that I need it, and ...

　　Sandy: (interrupting) That’s exactly like Jerry! Everything is about what Jerry needs...

　　Jerry: Will you listen to this hysteria! It should be pretty easy for you to figure out what we need to do here.

　　Tony: (interrupting) Let’s wait just a minute, Jerry. Sandy, you too. You need to figure out how I can help you with this. I’m not here to make any decisions for you. This isn’t like courtswheresyou tell me things and I decide for you. This is an opportunity for the two of you sit down together, and really listen to one another as you talk about what’s going on with the orange. How does that sound?

　　Jerry: I have a solution in mind already. We just have to get through to Simple Simon over there.

　　Tony: Right now I need to know that you are both willing to listen to one another. For now, tell me if you are willing to talk this out.

　　Jerry: Sure. I’ll stay if Sandy stays.

　　Tony: Sandy?

　　Sandy: I’ll stay, but Jerry has to stop calling me Simple Simon.

　　Tony: Does that work for you, Jerry?

　　Jerry: Sure.

　　Tony: Okay. (writing)“Jerry won’t call Sandy Simple Simon.”

　　Sandy: Or any other name!

　　Tony: Shall we make that a rule for going forward?The siblings nod their agreement.

　　Tony: How does this sound? Everything you tell me will be confidential. I won’t tell anyone about what here unless you want me to. You may see me take notes so I can keep my thinking straight, but you’ll also see me tear my notes up when we are finished. I won’t take sides but will be here to be sure that you both are represented and to help you find out what is truly important to one another. Sound good?

　　Sandy and Jerry nod.

　　Tony: Who would like to go first?

　　Sandy: It may as well be Jerry. Jerry always goes first.

　　Jerry: All right, I will.

　　Tony: Is that really all right, Sandy?

　　Sandy: Yeah.

　　Jerry: Sandy has this self-image of being a great chef or something. I came home from running and wanted some fresh orange juice. It’s full of antioxidants and vitamin C. I need it after a run, but - no! Sandy has to bake. I’m hot, I’m tired, I’m thirsty. So all I did was pick up the orange and start to walk out of the room...

　　Sandy: I was using it!

　　Jerry: See how Sandy always interrupts and yells? Anyway, I picked up the orange...

　　Sandy: I do not interrupt and yell!

　　Tony: Jerry?

　　Jerry: I picked up the orange and started to go out of the room and Sandy came after me screaming that the orange wasn’t mine, that is was part of some recipe.

　　(There is a pause.)

　　Tony: Anything else, Jerry?

　　Jerry: That’s about all there was to it. All I wanted was to make some orange juice.

　　Sandy: I was using that orange! Jerry just waltzes in and grabs the orange without asking, and I need the entire peel to grate /into/ my special Blue Ribbon Pound Cake. It’s just like Jerry to ignore what I need. It’s not like Jerry isn’t going to get any of the cake, but no! Jerry has to have juice. It’s infuriating!

　　Tony: Anything else, Sandy?

　　Sandy: No.

　　Tony: Do you have questions for one another?

　　Jerry: Yeah. Why does Sandy have to be such a jerk?

　　Sandy:That’s name-calling! You said you wouldn’t call names!

　　Tony: We did agree to not call names, Jerry. Is there another way you can ask Sandy the question?

　　Jerry: Why is Sandy always acting like baking is the most important thing? Why can’t I take the orange and make juice if I’m thirsty?

　　Tony: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Sandy?

　　Sandy: I know that you want juice, but you want some of my Blue Ribbon Pound Cake, too... If there’s no orange peel, there’s no Blue Ribbon Pound Cake. You just make me so mad when you come in and interrupt everything I have planned and take the orange just because you need juice. Blue Ribbon Pound Cakes don’t grow on trees.

　　Jerry: You make great cakes, but when I come in all hot and thirsty, I really need my freshly squeezed orange juice. I can’t wait to cut that orange open and squeeze the juice out of it.

　　Tony: Sandy, I think that Jerry has said something that you may want to hear. Jerry, what do you think about Sandy’s cakes?

　　Jerry: I think they’re great. You can be a real pain, sometimes, but your cakes are the best.

　　Sandy: Then, why can’t you let me use the orange when I need it?

　　Tony: Please wait, Sandy. Did you hear Jerry talk about your baking?

　　Sandy: What?

　　Tony: Jerry?

　　Jerry: You’re an excellent baker.

　　Sandy: Wow. Thanks. You always seem to be making fun of my baking. If you like my baking so much, why couldn’t you see that I need the orange?

　　Jerry: I didn’t know you needed the orange. I really needed orange juice after my run. You know the electrolytes...

　　Sandy: Right. And the vitamin C.Jerry: That’s right. And the vitamin C. This is very important to me.

　　Sandy: I know.There is an uncomfortable silence.

　　Tony: What else?

　　Jerry: Sometimes Sandy gets excited and interrupts, but it’s really not a problem.

　　Tony: It doesn’t bother you?

　　Jerry: Well, yes, but I know that when I get excited I call Sandy Simple Simon.

　　Sandy: That has to stop, no matter what.

　　Jerry: I’ll be more careful.

　　Sandy: More careful might not be good enough. It really bothers me when you call me names.

　　Jerry: Well, then don’t be so stupid about whether or not I can make orange juice.

　　Sandy: Well, maybe you should open your eyes and see that I’m baking and I have everything laid out that I need. Everything-including the only orange in the house.

　　Jerry: I can’t read your mind, Sandy!

　　Sandy: You know how I bake. Just pay attention once in a while and you would know that if an orange is on the counter with all of my stuff, I’m going to use it. All you think about is what you need at the moment.

　　Jerry: Well, all you think about is what you need to bake your stupid cakes!

　　Tony: Jerry, what do you think about Sandy’s baking?

　　Jerry: I know. Sandy’s cakes are great. I meant that. But there are other things in life.

　　Tony: Can you think of a way to tell Sandy what you mean without starting a fight?

　　Jerry: (after a pause) Not really.

　　Tony: Sandy, what would work for you?

　　Sandy: I think Jerry likes my cakes but thinks that’s all I have in my life. Jerry is wrong. There are many things about me that people don’t know.

　　Jerry: I know what you mean. Sometimes people say that all I do is run.

Comments on the Two Examples关于两个例子的评论

　　In the first example, the meeting was about solving the problem of the orange. If an idea for a solution came up, the mediator helped Sandy and Jerry to zero in on it. Then they would talk through whether or not might work for them. In the second meeting the mediator started by asking Jerry and Sandy what the issue was. This meeting was more of a conversation about their relationship with one another.

　　The first example, problem solving, ended with a truce that let Sandy and Jerry split the orange. The transformative mediator in the second example listened for ways to help Sandy hear what was important to Jerry and vice versa. The transformative mediator’s goal is to help people understand that they can work through their own problems while seeing the importance and value of the other person’s point of view. In the second example, Jerry and Sandy learned about themselves and each other. This gave them a good chance not only of figuring out what to do about the orange, but also of how to deal with other conflicts in the future.

　Summary总结

　　The mediator plays an important role in the process of negotiation. The chapter firstly defines the meaning of a mediator, then explains its functions and finally introduces two mediating methods through two comparative examples.