导读：

　　注意避免偏离整体方向和重复，一定要有整体观

　　抛开语法错误，这篇文章主要犯了以下几个毛病：

　　1论点，主体段还有最后的总结之间缺乏一致性

　　2重复

　　写作的时候一定要有整体的概念，先有整体的某篇布局，再一段一段来写。千万不能只是有个大概的想法就往下写。这样的结果很可能是跑题或者写着写着就变了方向

　　Issue 3: It is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long term research that might help future generation.

　　Do people should spend more money to solve immediate problem rather than future generation ? The speaker asserts that it is more important to allocate money for existing problem .At the first glance, this opinion seems to be some what appealing, but further reflection tells me that I cannot agree with it for the following reasons.(开头怎么感觉像argument?不过这样写也没什么错。但我还是建议你尽量摆脱新东方模式。)

　　Firstly, it must be admitted that immediate, existing social problems should be resolved in a short time. Therefore, people should accumulate large number of money to solve them as soon as possible.(这里似乎少了一层过渡或者说推理。应该指出现实问题的严重性和紧迫性，这样你得therefore那句才有道理) In order to see this point clearly, let us see an example.(这样写有些罗索。最简单得for example或者说a case in point就可以了) Traffic jam is a serious problem for each modern city in which the population is very large. If government do not control this phenomenon(这个词用得不好) go from bad to worse(control…go from bad to worse.可以这样说吗？我没有见过。不过你能肯定就好), the city's(用city就可以了) development will be at a standstill. A economical professor said that traffic is lifeline of the development of the economy. Thus, nothing is more significant than improving the traffic in time.(话不要说得这么绝对) As this problem(有语法错误吧?), people should spend more money on it.

　　Similarly, there are other problems which might cause such(这里的such好象指代不清) negative effects that people could not control them(有了前面的that,这里的them就不需要了) in the future if they do not pay more attention to these problems now.(这句话的结构十分别扭。首先这是一个there be句型。然后你用一个which从句修饰problem,再往后又是that从句修饰前面which从句中的effetcs。最后是一个if条件从句。前面还能开得清楚，到最后的if从句就不知道他是主句的条件从句还是定于从句中的条件从句了，如果是朱育的从句那they又指代不清。还有problem后面可以不写省略，你写得有些重复。) Such as these appearances(?这个此表示设什么意思？可以这么用吗？), some could be solved very well immediately.(用could不好，这里表示一种紧迫性和严重性起码要用should，用have to也很好) Not only traffic problem but also some pollutions are very terrible. In a recent century(During the last centruy), humanity(这个词是人性的意思。人类用human或者human being) create(注意时态，用过去时或者完成时) many times achievement than any other period in the history.[During the last century, the number of achievements which human beings have achieved is as many times as people did in any period in history](这样改一下就顺多了。要注意比较的运用和主语的配合。这句中的主语就是number) Large number of factories had been(时态又有问题) built, which(这里指代不清，只是代词要紧跟被修饰的词) produce(还是时态问题，后面的我就不指出了) so man(还有拼写错误也要十分注意.这里的man该是many吧？) waste(用复数) that they produce lots of negative effects for(for用得不好) people's health. However ,so long as the government adopt effective measure - control the factories let(？) more waste into the ecological environment, close some smallness factories - these troubles also could be avoided effectively.

　　这一段和上一段有些重复。上一段讲的是解决现实问题的重要紧迫性。这一段讲得好象还是这个。我觉得既然是一个问题，那一段写就行了。写成两段如果没有明显的递进或者对比关系，很容易造成重复和罗索。

　　还有一些语法问题。

　　1时态

　　2单复数

　　3长句的使用

　　4词语的运用

　　这都是基本的问题，一定要把握好。

　　Nevertheless, by contrast, the problems of environment could not be resolved in a short time. Such as these problems, which people have to spend money on long term research which might help human to change future.(后面这个which从句显得很别扭。以后不要把几个定语从句套起来用) I cannot think no better illustration than(这个双重否定加比较我读的很别扭) this instance(这个this instance指的又是什么？) that people cut down amounts of trees and destroy plenty of afforested land for construction which(又是一个指代不清.是construction还是包含前面destroy?) cause many environmental crisis such as greenhouse effect, the hole in the ozonosphere , etc. Such these(such和these重复了) crisis are long term problems, and nobody could solve them quickly. If people only pay attention to short-term benefits, it will be so short-sighted that the earth might not be fit for human beings to live. Consequently, people should invest enough money on long-term research, which is extraordinary essential.

　　In a word, people should find out a balance point between spending money on long term research and immediate problem. It is very important for humanity that whether people could solve them betimes or not.

　　前面的语法问题就不讲了，下面讲讲结构上的问题。

　　最大的问题是分论点和总论点矛盾。总论点说I cannot agree with it for the following reasons非常鲜明的反对。但在正文中却只用了最后的一小段来说未来的问题，前面的两个主题段却都用来讲了现实的问题如何严重。

　　到了最后一段，又变成了people should find out a balance point.这样的错误是比较严重的。

　　还有就是每段之中的微观结构。第一和第二个主题段么一段的结构都不是很好。究其原因，主要是由于重复。论点，例子，推理之间要有明显的过渡和衔接，而且不要在三者之间切换得过于频繁，这样很容易造成结构的混乱。

　　最后是例子的问题。你这片中的例子不少，不过给我留下影响深的却不多。就是那个traffic jam的用得还可以。那个环境污染的可能是由于语言表述得不很清楚，我看得也比较晕。

　　作者:木耳