英语原文对照：

　　8Animals With Real Superpowers

　　It’s no secret: animals are out to kill us. While we spend hundreds of billions of dollars fighting the terrorist threat overseas,animal sleeper cells are biding their time(抓紧时间)， developing strangeand fabulous powers far beyond those of man. Hawks sharpening their talons. Giant squids flexing their suckers. Dolphins waggling their prehensile penises. And leading the brigade, a very special cat that knows when you’re going to die. And that’s only the tip of the furryiceberg。

　　So, as a public service, we’ve decided to profile some of the world's most super powered creatures. As far as we know, none of them are on the Endangered Species list. Though with the help of fearmongering articles like this, and some generous gun control legislation,we can change all that. If we don’t, it just may be us humans livingin protected enclosures and spending our days watching pornography to encourage mating behavior like nature’s loser, the Panda。

　　8.The Animal: Gecko

　　The Power: Atomic Climbing

　　How It Works: When they’re not using their British accents to hawk car insurance, geckos spend their time scurrying up surfaces with the ease of a machine specifically designed to do the same. But this isn’t just some snail-class gooey shit climbing we’re talking abou there。

　　Every square millimeter of a gecko’s footpads contains 14,000tinyhairs, called setae, each of which branches into around 500 little tiny “spatulae” so small that they are below the wave length of visible light. Using these invisible,geckos are able to harness van der Waals interactions on amolecular level, sticking to almost every known surface outside of Teflon.Their grip is so strong, if it used all of its gripping power at once,a single adult gecko could hold aloft 290 lbs. At this point,it's important to note that our brave men and women in uniform almost all weigh under 290 lbs., making them prime targets for roving bands of gecko hurl-squads?。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Spider-Man, The Human Fly, Dan Osmond Additional Powers: Can lick their own eyeballs, and expel feces when threatened。

　　Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Outfit our soldiers with the latest in Teflon bodysuit technology。

　　7.The Animal: Bombardier Beetle

　　The Power: Energy Blasts

　　How It Works: A number of animal species are able to projectink,foul-smelling chemicals, or feces from their bodies. But in these cases, there is little to fear beyond stained clothing, a tomatosauce bath, or social ostracism. The bombardier beetle, however,takes bodily expulsion to a new threat level by harnessing the power of chemical reactions to release a boiling, exploding liquid from its body up to seventy times per encounter. In short, it shitsnapalm. We don’t even need to explain what kind of threat this poses toour citizens and toilet paper industry alike。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Me after a night of Tijuana-style JalapeñoDogs.?

　　Additional Powers: Starred in a children’s book that purports to disprove the Theory of Evolution。

　　Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Spiking the beetle’s natural food source with boxes upon boxes of Gas-X?。

　　6.The Animal: Platypus

　　The Power: Electrolocation

　　How It Works: Count your senses. If you’re fortunate, you’ve got one hand raised, five fingers splayed in sensorial triumph. If you’re less fortunate, a birth defect or lathe accident has knocked you downto three or four, or else you got your fingers chopped off in abar fight. But if you’re a Platypus, you get to raise six fingers,all presumably snapped from the hands of girl scouts and dangling from a malevolent bill?. Platapi?are monotremes (the only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our ChaosEmeralds?)， a type of mammal endowed with the sixth sense of electroreception,the ability to sense electric fields generated by muscular contraction。That means they can sense your directional location if you somuch as move a muscle. Even a blind, deaf Platypus with no sense of smell knows right where you are, and he and his echidna friends are on their way. With tire irons. And they’re angry drunk。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Daredevil, Radar O’Reilly, the raptors from the kitchen scene of Jurassic Park。

　　Additional Powers: Venemous talons on each foot, egg-laying, and the cruel mockery of all evolutionary and natural law。Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Convince them that their “protected habitat” is a Faraday Cage。

　　5.The Animal: Hummingbird

　　The Power: Superspeed

　　How It Works: Hummingbirds do everything fast. They’ve got the fastest metabolism of any animal other than insects, their heart rate can get up to 1,260 beats per minute, and they can flap theirwings up to 70 times a second. One can only imagine the horrifying speed with which they’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses.This incredible speed makes the Humming bird the only animal capable of hovering in midair, and even flying backwards. The only devicewe have that can match them in aerial agility is the helicopter, and that’s got nothing on them for nectar-drinking ability. If terroristsever decide to design and manufacture Humming bird pistols, we’regoing to be in for mobile, whirling vortices of sheer bullet。

　　Spirit Animal Of: This guy。

　　Additional Powers: A bifurcated tongue, the ability to hibernatein times of food shortage, and the observed ability to fly over 500miles without stopping to sleep or eat。

　  Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Because of their speed,humming birds need to eat up to five times their own body weightin nectar per day. Destroy the flowers, and we’ve got thesebastards on the run。