恋爱另类手册：女人约会如何优雅如厕(双语)

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　　Ever wondered how to navigate the etiquette of going to the loo on a date or, even worse, in bed? This new book tackles the last taboo in dating。

　　When navigating the dating terrain, the potential minefields are endless. When do you make the first move? Is it too early to meet the parents?

　　But judging by the popularity of a new book, we're often preoccupied with explosive issues of a different kind. ‘How to Poo on a First Date’, has become an Amazon sensation, and is dedicated solely to issues of the heart and bowels。

　　The 5 dating bible, published by Prion, promises to solve all your toilet conundrums, from what to do if the urge arises at an awkward moment to how best to cover up any unromantic odours。

　　The authors, credited only as Mats and Enzo, spent five years researching this work of lavatory-related genius。

　　‘One of the secrets of seduction (and this goes as much for a first date as for the rest of the relationship) is to stay faultless at all times,’ the relationship scholars write in the book’s intro。

　　‘However, you are made of flesh and bone and this means that yes, sometimes you have to go to the loo。

　　'This vital human requirement remains strangely taboo in modern society, and it can ruin a blooming or well-established relationship in an instant.’

　　To illustrate the point the book kicks off with a cautionary tale. So confident in his relationship was Tom, a friend of the authors, that he started talking to his girlfriend with the toilet door open。

　　Needless to say, Tom’s ‘monumental error of judgement’ means he's now single。

　　‘We could no longer allow something as banal as going to the toilet to continue to destroy millions of perfectly good relationships,’ the authors explain, thus ‘How to Poo...’ was squeezed out between them。

　　The authors acknowledge that women are much more advanced in their toilet behaviour than men and have successfully perpetuated the myth that they never do number twos or let off wind。

　　With that in mind Mats and Enzo have been chivalrous enough to write the part of the toilet perpetrator as a male throughout the 144-page guide. But they do point out that the gender is interchangeable in all examples。

　　The book, which is the third in the ‘How to Poo...’ trilogy, (hot on the heels of ‘How to Poo at Work’ and ‘How to Poo on Holiday’,) covers what to do if you need the loo in scenarios including a cocktail party, in a Gondola or on an aeroplane。

　　But if you’re hoping their five years of research has unearthed some game-changing advice, don’t cross your, erm, legs。

　　The book's advice on how to nip to the loo without alerting your date that you have any unsavoury biological requirements, is convoluted to say the least。

　　If you have a pressing predicament while on an aeroplane for a romantic weekend away the advice reads as follows:

　　'Come closer to her [or him]. Slide one hand under the thigh and squeeze very strongly at the knee. The pain will make them scream and they will jump up in their seat.'

　　Still following? The idea is to then jump up with your date and spill as much of your meal as you can to give you the perfect alibi for needed a loo-stop。

　　At a cocktail party, the book suggests excusing oneself by using one of following: ‘I’ll just pop for a refill’,

　　‘I’m going to pick up some petits fours’ or ‘Excuse me, I must have a word with...'

　　If you find your date in awkward position when the urge to 'left off steam' arises, don't panic -- simply turn to page 113 in your manual。

　　And it’s at pains to point out that ensuring nobody sees you leaving the loo is as important as going incognito as you enter – a common mistake of the party poo-er。

　　The advice goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when covering empty bog-roll emergencies, by suggesting one rips off wallpaper from behind the radiator。

　　To overcome an unattractive odour? ‘Quickly find a bottle of perfume and spray yourself with it. Use generously. Find and embrace your date, holding them close to you. Let go only when the air is decontaminated.’

　　And what happens if at the critical moment ‘you feel the need to decorate the toilet in the worst possible way’? The authors suggest coming over all 50 Shades of Grey and ducking to the loo in the pretence of grabbing the paper for some fantasy loo-roll-play。

　　But in truth, the classic, 'I'm off to powder my nose,' would probably suffice。

　　So could this new dating bible be the next Amazon number one? Judging by the frenzied interest, potentially, yes. But we think.。.

　　it’s more like a number two.

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　　想知道如何在约会时，或者更糟的是，在床上时，去上厕所却不失形象的妙诀吗？这本新书教你突破约会中的最后一道禁忌。

　　谈到约会，潜在的雷区真是无穷无尽。比如说，何时主动出击？何时见家长[微博]合适？

　　但由于一本新书的流行我们可以判断，人们常被各种爆炸性的问题困扰。《首次约会时想去上厕所怎么办》已成为了亚马逊图书商城上的热门话题，当然，这也是至关重要的问题。

　　这本售价5英镑的《约会宝典》可以解决约会时所有与上厕所有关的问题。从突然想上厕所尴尬时怎么办到如何掩盖异味。

　　这本书的作者马茨(Mats)和恩佐(Enzo)花了五年时间调查，最终总结出了与上厕所相关的智慧。

　　“吸引人的秘诀之一(不管是初次约会还是恋爱关系的其他时候)是保持完美”。人际关系学者在这本书的引文中写道。

　　“然而，每个人都是凡人，这就意味着，你总是会不时地需要去上厕所。”

　　“奇怪的是，这个重要的人类需求却仍然是现代社会人际交往的禁忌。它可能在顷刻间摧毁一段正在蓬勃发展或已然建立完善的情谊。

　　为强调这一点，这本书以一个警示性故事为开头。作者的朋友汤姆(Tom)对他自己与女友的关系很有信心，因此他竟在上厕所时，不关厕所门，与女友交谈。

　　不用说，汤姆非常错误的判断导致了他最终与女友分手。

　　“我们决不允许像上厕所这种芝麻绿豆的小事破坏上万人的完美关系，”作者解释说，因此“如何如厕”成为一个横梗于他们之间的问题。

　　作者承认女性有着比男性更好的上厕所的习惯，她们的成功秘诀是从不在约会时排便或是排出胃胀气。

　　“约会时如何排便”是约会中上厕所里最为棘手的问题，它成了亚马逊上的热门话题。

　　马茨和恩佐因此以男性为例写下了144页的厕所指南。但他们指出，在所有例子中，性别都是可以转换的。

　　这本书是“如何排便”三部曲中的第三部，(紧跟着“工作中如何排便”“度假时如何排便”)它包括了在鸡尾酒会、贡多拉(意大利一种特殊的水上工具)或飞机上等各种场景中，想上厕所时应该怎么办。

　　但如果你希望从他们五年的调查中获得一些改变游戏规则的建议，那就是，不要跷二郎腿。

　　这本书提出的建议至少是很复杂的，它主要针对约会时如何不受上厕所等令人讨厌的生理需求的影响。

　　如果你在一个飞往周末度假之地的航班上突然想上厕所，建议是：

　　离她(他)近一些。将一只手滑到大腿下，用力撞击约会对象膝盖。剧烈的疼痛会使他们尖叫，并从座位上一跃而起。

　　然后呢？和你的约会对象一起跳起来，尽可能将食物或饮料洒出来，从而为自己找一个需要去洗手间的好借口。

　　这本书还建议，在鸡尾酒会上，可以这样说：“我得去续杯了。”

　　“我去取些小点心过来”或“抱歉，我想和……说说话。”

　　如果你发现你在约会时陷入一个糟糕的窘境——突然特别想去厕所该怎么办，别惊慌，翻到113页，你会找到解决办法。

　　这本书的作者还煞费苦心的指出，确保你去厕所时悄悄地回来与悄悄地离开是一样重要的——这是很多人常常忽略的一点。

　　这些建议千奇百怪，比如他建议当你上厕所发现没有厕纸的时候，可以撕墙纸来摆脱窘境。

　　那么如何摆脱难闻的气味呢？“快速找一瓶香水喷在身上，大量地喷，然后找到你的约会对象，紧紧地抱住她，直到周围的空气不再有异味了再放开她。”

　　但在重要时刻，你想解大手时怎么办呢？作者建议尽量获得可以充当厕纸的纸，如将手头上的《五十度灰》快速翻完，撕下纸以备用，冲向厕所。

　　但是事实上，经典的“我想去一趟洗手间”就可能让人满意了。

　　那么这本新的约会圣经会成为下一个居亚马逊书单榜首的书吗？在狂热的利益驱动下，也许会的，但我们认为……

　　它也许排第二位。

　　(译者 lcwujing)