CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way。

　　Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you' new grandpa。

　　Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa。

　　CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money。

　　Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir. You're indeed..。

　　Shenyang We haven`t had our picture taken, sir。

　　Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We haven't ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn' thing away. We'll see whut to eat first. C'me。

　　Shenyang Just one picture, please。

　　Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first。

　　Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?

　　Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance. Don't you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) I'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes。

　　CCTV Man Don't be too polite. You do it。

　　Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu。

　　CCTV Man Don't be extravagant, buddy。

　　Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four。

　　Shenyang Sorry, they're out of stock。

　　CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down。

　　Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each。

　　Shenyang Sorry, nothing that bi

　　赵本山：有多大的？

　　小沈阳：有一斤多的。

　　赵本山：一斤多的.....。有吗？

　　赵本山：有.....。还是没有啊？

　　赵本山：这个.....。我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白？这不差钱。

　　小沈阳：哦.....。那没有。

　　毕福剑：下边我看看，鱼翅就更别点了。

　　赵本山： 鱼翅有也别吃了，我吃鱼翅有一回就卡住了，后来用馒头噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到医院用镊子拿出来的。不吃那玩意儿。

　　毕福剑： 他也没有。

　　赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢？干什么玩意儿吃的？这毕老师容易来一趟？把你老板找来

　　小沈阳：没有。

　　赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不？老板。

　　小沈阳：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。

　　赵本山：上哪儿去了？

　　小沈阳：不知道。

　　赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你？你说吃啥呀？

　　毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。

　　赵本山：民间的是吧？来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。

　　小沈阳：没有。

　　赵本山：这个可以有。

　　小沈阳：这个.....。真没有。

　　Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?

　　Shenyang Half a kilo each。

　　Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have?

　　Shenyang Yes we do... or no?

　　Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you。

　　Shenyang So no, we haven't got lobsters。

　　CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering shark's fin。

　　Uncle Zhao I won't. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. It didn't work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus' won't do。

　　CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway。

　　Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve. You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Where's you' boss? Get him here。

　　Shenyang No boss, sir。

　　Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?

　　Shenyang Well... the boss is out。

　　Uncle Zhao Where's he?

　　Shenyang No idea。

　　Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?

　　CCTV Man Just something homely。

　　Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms。

　　Shenyang I'm sorry, sir。

　　Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have。

　　Shenyang Something we really don't have。

　　赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。

　　毕福剑：老哥.....。

　　赵本山：我是给你往北京带的，现在你拿不走了，赶紧得在这儿吃了。

　　毕福剑 野山鸡不能吃。

　　赵本山：这是家养的。都是野蘑菇。把这个炖了，高压锅啊，时间长点，来。好了，这儿有一个菜了。来，笨蛋。

　　小沈阳：你说谁笨蛋？！

　　赵本山：不是，我说再点个笨鸡蛋。

　　小沈阳：没有。

　　赵本山：我有。这样.....。

　　毕福剑：老哥.....。

　　赵本山：这鸡蛋和大葱一炒。

　　毕福剑：你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备？

　　赵本山：不是，他没有啊，问题是。给他钱都没处找去。几个菜了？俩了，这样吧，给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不？

　　小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。哎呀妈呀，大爷你咋这么抠呢？你说你一个没点，完了我们还得搭一个，啊？

　　赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。

　　小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗？

　　赵本山：我有啥数，你不是说没有吗？

　　小沈阳： 别说话了。一说万一要有，咋整啊？

　　赵本山： 你到底有没有？这差钱还是咋的？

　　Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands。

　　CCTV Man No, buddy..。

　　Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'. As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now。

　　CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption。

　　Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. So far we've got one dish ready. C'me here, dumb bell。

　　Shenyang What did you say?

　　Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg。

　　Shenyang We don't have any, sir!

　　Uncle Zhao I do. All right..。

　　CCTV Man Buddy..。

　　Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions。

　　CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?

　　Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here. Not even if you're willin' to pay. See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (To Shenyang) Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here。

　　Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!

　　Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?

　　Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?

　　Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!

　　Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?

　　Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money。