Evan Cao 曹聪伶 2013新浪金牌五星名师--SAT写作王

　　很多同学在写完作文之后，就会放在一边，因为各种原因没有拿给老师进行批改。但是大家要知道，大部分好的作文不是第一次写出来的，是不断改出来的。比起进行1周写5篇文章，之后没有修改，一周完成2篇，并好好认真进行修改2到3次更能提高大家的写作能力。尤其是对于SAT的应试写作，不断的修改能够让大家文章更加符合考试要求，帮助各位考生拿到理想的分数。以下是最近的一位同学的写作作业，Evan主要是针对内容的缺漏和段落安排给出调整的建议，语言部分暂时不做调整。

　　尤其是Essay已经可以拿到7-8分的同学，如果你没有严重的语法错误，语言相对流畅，段落素材的内容安排将会对拿到更高分有很大的帮助。希望各位同学好好看看，学习和体会以下这位同学的写作和老师给出的建议：

　　Assignment： can any obstacle or disadvantage be turned into something good?

　　When it comes to obstacles, some people will choose to avoid it and leave it as far as possible, for they always prefer ease to difficulties. However, what really help us are always hardships and dilemmas. They show our weakness, challenge our perseverance, and let us become more and more steadfast as we overcome them step by step. I will demonstrate my point by a famous novel and the experience of a celebrity. (后面把小说名称及故事的主人公和情节的概要说清楚；也要说明另一个名人的时间和主旨)

　　The famous and influential novel, The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, follows its protagonist Hester Prynne, who has to bear an “A” embroidered on her bosom for her guilt of adultery. After her trial, everyone in the town regards her as the sign of evil and even refuses to talk to her. However, such an obstacle does not defeat Prynne. On the contrary, she develops an indomitable trait and a strong will to defend her identity. To change people’s mind, Prynne devoted a great amount of her time to helping others and whenever someone need a help she will give a hand to him or her. (需要展开说明是具体如何帮助，包括其中的人物和时间，画面感将会更加强，2-3句话即可)By constantly showing her helpfulness and generosity, Prynne gradually shifts the view of others and defines the letter A as able rather than adultery。

　　Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, Reverent Dimmesdale, Prynne’s partner in act, still keeps his righteous image and never acknowledges his guilt. Since nobody knows what he has done, he never comes into any suffering. Due to his lack of obstacles by which he should have realized his weakness(说明具体的weakness，为后面的故事情节作下铺垫)weakness and have amended it(如何amended的呢？加上1-2句话阐明，让读者可以直接体会主人公的精神)， he is finally racked in heart by guilt and sham. Compared with Prynne, Reverent Dimmesdale loses a chance to remove drawback and strengthen the inner world. In this case, obstacle really benefits Prynne, for it shifts her personality and allows her to refurbish herself by helping others. (这段显得比较仓促，缺乏主人公的具体行为的描述)

　　Stephen Hawking, an inevitable milestone on scientific research, also benefited from hardships. In his 20s, Hawking was infected with ALS, a neural degenerative disease. To go through such a illness, Hawking suffered a surgery, which deprived him of the ability to move and talk. All the rest of his life, Hawking has to it on a wheel chair, and ask others to help him with everything. However, Hawking faced the disability with a different attitude. Thanks to this disadvantage, he received so much time to think about universe and he also kept his research b calculating in his brain.After several years of meticulous study and with the help of his assiduous assistants, Hawking published his celebrated literature A Brief History of Time, by which he made tremendous contribution to the research of the universe. Due to his disability, Hawking became more tenacious and turned into a scientific giant, and wrote down his name on the history book forever。(这段可以，细节较充分)

　　From the great novel, The Scarlet Letter, and the life journey of Stephen Hawking, we can discover that both Prynne and Hawking succeeded in certain field because they overcame their obstacles. By defeating the dilemmas, they realized their shortage and turn into more persevere persons. In order to succeed in this world, we should cherish the obstacle and treat them properly as well as bravely。

　　General Comment：

　　有限时间之后可以洗完3个素材，不错！但是如果每一段都可以做到想第三个例子这样充分就非常棒了！就目前的文章，情况如下；

　　8分：目前这篇文章和8分的文章情况相当

　　9分：需要按照标注，把相应的素材内容改得更加完整

　　冲刺10分：需要润色用词造句部分

　　各位同学在看完这位同学的文章和老师的批注之后，大概知道一篇develop well的文章在素材内容安排上面要尽可能specific和detailed。这里并不是说大家要写和主题无关紧要的内容，为了增加字数，而是要把和主题关系最密切的部分重点详细说明。换言之，用细节增强素材的故事性和画面感，轻松让读者领悟到作者的写作目的，这样话题的说服力自然而然的增强了。不建议大家在写作文时，只是一味地寻求各种同义词，在文章重复写几句话的内容或者某个形容词的意思，这样的文章显得空洞，没有思想。通过素材和读者沟通，不仅做到了事实胜于雄辩的辩论效果，更向考官展现了作者丰富的背景知识和阅读范围！