婚姻中的矛盾会慢慢侵蚀夫妻间纽带

　　While conventional wisdom holds that conflicts in a relationship slowly erode the bonds that hold partners together, couples who are happy in the long term turn out to have plenty of conflicts, too. Fights and disagreements are apparently intrinsic to all relationships--couples who stay together over the long haul are those who don't let the fighting contaminate the other parts of the relationship, experts say.

　　一般人都认为婚姻关系中的矛盾会慢慢侵蚀夫妻间的纽带，但是调查却表明其实那些长相厮守的快乐夫妻也存在着这样和那样的矛盾。显然，争斗和闹意见存在于所有的婚姻关系中——专家认为那些长相厮守的夫妻只是没有让这些争斗波及影响到婚姻关系的其它方面。

　　"Why do people get married in the first place?" asked Thomas Bradbury, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles. "To have someone to listen to--to have a friend, to share life's ups and downs. We want to try to draw attention to what's valuable in their relationship."

　　"人们结婚最主要是为了什么？"位于洛杉矶加州大学的心理学教授Thomas Bradbury问道。"是为了找一个说话的人？是找一个朋友，来共同走过充满欢乐与痛苦的坎坷的人生道路。我们试图要人们注意他们关系中有价值的一些方面。"

　　Researchers are finding that it is those other parts of relationships--the positive factors--that are potent predictors of whether couples feel committed to relationships, and whether they weather storms and stick together. As long as those factors are intact, conflicts don't drive people apart.

　　研究者们发现正是婚姻关系中的这些其它方面——积极的因素——能有效地用来预测配偶们是否会忠诚于他们的婚姻，是否能共渡难关，携手走过人生道路。只要这些积极的因素完好无损，矛盾就不会导致夫妻

　　"What we've discovered is surprising and contrary to what most people think," said Gottman, the author of "The Mathematics of Marriage." "Most books say it's important for couples to fight fair - but 69 percent of all marital conflicts never get resolved because they are about personality differences between couples. What's critical is not whether they resolve conflicts but whether they can cope with them."

　　"我们的发现与大多数人的想法相反，令人惊讶，"《婚姻数学》一书的作者Gottman说道。"大多数书都说重要的是夫妻间的矛盾要公平解决，然而69%的婚姻矛盾因为夫妻性格的差异造成，永远都无法解决。所以关键不是看他们能否解决这些矛盾，而是看他们能否处理好它们。"

　　"Every couple has irreconcilable differences," agreed Diane Sollee, the founder of www.smartmarriages.com , a Web site devoted to teaching couples the skills to improve their relationships. She explained that such differences ought to be "managed," instead of being grounds for separations, split-ups and divorce.

　　"每一对"夫妻之间都存在着不可调和的差异，" Diane Sollee同意这一观点说道。她是www.smartmarriages.com网站的创立者，该网站致力于教授夫妻们学会改善他们关系的技巧。她解释说对这些差异应该 "管理"，而不是用来作为分居、断绝关系乃至离婚的理由。

　　Almost 90 percent of Americans marry at some point in their lives. An overwhelming number of those who get divorced marry a second time, meaning that although they may have lost faith in a partner, they have not lost faith in the promise of the institution. At the same time, changing social mores and expectations have placed stresses on long-term relationships. Two-income couples juggle demanding jobs, and professional advancement can sometimes detract from family and intimate relationships.

　　几乎有90%的美国人在他们人生的某个阶段都会结婚。在那些离了婚的人中，绝大多数又会再次结婚，这意味着尽管他们可能对某个配偶失去了信心，但他们对婚姻习俗的美好希望却没有丧失信心。与此同时，变化的社会习俗和人们对婚姻的期望值也在使人们开始重视长期的婚姻关系。双收入的夫妻面对高要求的工作，努力做到两边兼顾，而精力过多的用于事业的发展有时会影响人们对于家庭和夫妻亲密关系的关注。

　　Simultaneously, the rising number of women in the work force has given women the economic security to leave unhappy relationships, the sexual revolution has made sex before and outside marriage common, and the destigmatization of divorce has contributed to the phenomenon of serial monogamy.

　　同时，越来越多的妇女加入到就业大军中，这使她们在结束不幸婚姻之后有了可靠的经济保障，性的革命使得婚前和婚外性行为变得普遍，而随着离婚渐为人们所接受，是造成连续的离婚再结婚现象的部分原因。

　　Despite these pressures and temptations, most Americans still seek lifelong soul mates--and expectations from love and marriages have never been higher.

　　但是，尽管存在着这些压力和诱惑，大多数美国人仍然追求终生的心灵伴侣，并且人们对爱情和婚姻的期望值则达到历史最高。