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原稿
Recently, more and more college students have suffered from the psychological problems which had leaded to series of serious consequences. Such as kinds of suisides, long-term depression, committing violence or even crimes, ect...
In my opinion,what cause this phenomenon can be dued to three main factors. First and most, the pressure from social and family environment. The positions' need increase uncoordinated with the increasing number of graduates apply! The strong stress from the job finding turns their dreams into wasting. What's more, parts of college students less self-cognition, they can't appraisal themselves comprehensively so that cannot set a suitable goal,the one not too high or too easy to reach.
Last but not the least, most of the college students are in their puberty and have become an independent adult. They would have some trouble in something private, like the wants and the needs of love and being loved.
These phenomenon deserves the attention of the whole society. The govenment should implement some policy to improve the present situation of the employment. The college education system waits for improving. Finally, college students shoule be positive and optimistic. By doing so , college students can get rid of the psychological problems.
打分:10
点评:
原文内容翔实,观点独到,语感不错,有较多的精彩用词和句型(如划线部分)。但有些词句使用的不够准确、地道。
修改稿:
Recently, an increasing number of college students have suffered from the psychological problems, which has led to a series of serious consequences, such as suicides, long-term depression, committing violence or even crimes, etc.
What has caused this phenomenon? In my opinion, it can be attributed to three main factors. First and most, college students are facing increasing pressure from social and family environment. The number of job vacancies is much smaller than that of college graduates! The strong stress from the job finding turns their ideals into nothing but dreams. What's more, parts of college students lack self-cognition, and can't appraise themselves comprehensively so they cannot set a suitable goal, or one not too high or too easy to reach. Last but not least, most of the college students are in their puberty and have become an independent adult. They would have some trouble in something private, like the wants and the needs of love and being loved.
These phenomena deserve the attention of the whole society. On the one hand, the government should implement some policies to improve the present situation of the employment. On the other hand, the college education system waits for improving. Finally, college students should be educated to be positive and optimistic. By doing so, college students can be expected to overcome psychological problems.
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