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原稿
Nowadays, the psychoanaly question of the undergraduates has brought into focus. A large number of university-man often feel alone and bored in their daily life and study. In addition, some one even kills themselves instead of living in the “hopeless” word they though. There are many examples occurs just beside us every year! Many reasons contribute to the pressure what the undergraduates endured.
Generally speaking, as the finial person with ability in the society, every undergraduate endures the heavy pressures. First of all, the pressure of life, a large number of students are come from country, the family of them can’t afford the expensive tuition and daily cost. They keep hard working in order to improve it but it will never be enough. More over, the emotive puzzle does. Austerely speaking, most of students don’t know how to bear with others and always hotheaded. They are still juvenile at present, and even don’t know what the really love is .So, when they lost the lover, they can’t adjust themselves.
Therefore, how to release the pressure is worth paying attention. Firstly, it’s necessary to improve the system to help the needy student, let them feel the warm of the society and have more confidence for a better life. Secondly, we must pay more attention to the lovelorn one, organize the psychoanaly teacher talk with them and help them over it.
All in all, I think there will be much less tragedy happen through our effective work.
打分:11
点评:
原文内容翔实,观点独到,语感不错,有较多的精彩用词和句型(如划线部分)。但有些词句使用的不够准确、地道。
修改稿:
Nowadays, psychological problems among undergraduates have been brought into focus. A large number of university students often feel alone and bored in their daily life and study. In addition, some even have killed themselves instead of living in the “hopeless” world. There are many examples occurring just around us every year!
Many factors may contribute to the phenomenon. Generally speaking, as talents with ability in the society, undergraduates endure heavy pressure. First, a large number of students are from the country and can’t afford the expensive tuition and daily cost. Moreover, some college students have the emotion puzzle. Many students are “in love” while they even don’t know what the really love is. So, when they lose the lover, they can’t accept it.
Therefore, how to release the pressure is worth paying attention. Firstly, it’s necessary to improve the system to help the needy student, letting them feel the warmth of the society and have more confidence for a better life. Secondly, we must pay more attention to the lovelorn one, organizing the psychological consultants to talk with them and help them over it. All in all, I think there will be much fewer tragedies happening through our effective work.
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