托福写作满分评分标准解读及范文批改解读(2)
34: 修改建议：If something is in fact “obvious” there is no need to state it. It’sbetter to cut the word “obvious” from anything you write and just startdirectly by stating the point you want to make。
36: 修改建议：This is quite repetitive. So cut it。
40: 修改建议：This is a word that signals contrast but you don’t have a contrast in thissentence。
52: 修改建议：This is not necessary to include since you already told us there isevidence。
54: 修改建议：This is redundant-“Chevalier’s” and “own” mean essentially the samething-so cut it。
标点错误：
6: 修改建议：end your sentence here-one sentence should have one idea-when you start anew idea, start a new sentence。
11: 修改建议：This sentence is very long so it’s better to end here。
15: 修改建议：Therefore。
33: 修改建议：。
43: 修改建议：。
拼写错误(SPL)：
7: 修改建议：source。
20: 修改建议：cash。
25: 修改建议：She。
时态错误：
10: 修改建议：borrowed。
17: 修改建议：borrowing。
31: 修改建议：confirmed。
35: 修改建议：wrote。
44: 修改建议：were。
46: 修改建议：were。
47: 修改建议：bribed。
51: 修改建议：needed。
53: 修改建议：proving
冠词错误：
13: 修改建议：no article。
19: 修改建议：a。
单复数错误：
22: 修改建议：are( because of conversations)。
23: 修改建议：are。
26: 修改建议：supports。
29: 修改建议：witnesses(because of some)。
38: 修改建议：conversations。
45: 修改建议：friends
介词错误：
30: 修改建议：at。
词序不当：
42: 修改建议：that he bribed his jailers to help。
得分3.8分(满分5分)
任务完成情况 Development and Details
充分阐述听力材料中的观点，并指出其与阅读短文的关系
Presented the points in the lecture and the relationshipto the reading。
文章组织和结构 Organization & Structure
能够表现出听力材料和阅读材料中的观点以及他们的关系。结构连贯清晰
Clear, coherent structure stating the points in eachpassage and their relationship。
论点扩展和细节运用 Development & Details
准确阐说两个材料中的每个观点及它们的关系
Accurate presentation of each point in both passages andtheir relationship。
语法 Grammar
能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点
Command of the elements of Standard Written English,incl. grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation。
整体评分 Holistic Assessment
表达清晰、文章连贯流畅
Level of clarity, cohesion and fluency in thepresentation of the text。
总评
This is a good essay. You do address the task - youidentify the differences between the reading and the lecture. You organize thiswell and you use appropriate transitions between paragraphs. The main area forimprovement is in sentence structure and grammar. Most importantly, you want tobe sure that each sentence contains just one idea。
Here is a resource for reviewing how to write aneffective sentence: http://library.bcu.ac.uk/learner/writingguides/1.29.htm
In terms of your sentence structure, you should focus onwriting more clearly and concisely. Here is a resource you can use: http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/ClearConciseSentences.html
In terms of grammar, you make mistakes in verb tense.Here is a good resource for reviewing verb tense: http://www.englishpage.com/verbpage/verbtenseintro.html
TPO第26套综合写作真实批改报告
题型：托福[微博]综合写作
题目：TPO第26套
原文字数：183
批改时间：2013年08月09日 11：02
There are three main pointsmade in this lecture to 1contradicts those discussed in2previous reading part. Firstly, the arguer denies the 3possibiliy that zebra mussels which has reached 4in North America from their original habitat in Europe would be a seriousthreat to freshwater fish populations in all of North America. As the arguersays, the invasion now could be stopped by controlling the ships which helpedspread it out by taking on ballast water. The ships can be required to refreshthe ballast water before landing 5on 6the North America, so that the mussels can bethrown away and would not become7invasion in North America。
Secondly, the arguerdisapproves of the 8oppion thatthere are no predators for mussels in their new habitats. He sugguests thatthere exists9kinds of local birds which will change their ownhabits and eat those mussels.
