托福写作满分评分标准解读及范文批改解读(5)
19: 修改建议：my grandmother did not know this. I relayed this information to her whichmade her cry immediately upon hearing。
22: 修改建议：and should have considered the sensitivity of the situation more。
27: 修改建议：one possesses the
43: 修改建议：they will continue to think of that person as such。
句子过短：
17: 修改建议：has been a smoker for 30 years。
逻辑出错：
18: 修改建议：Although it is a widely known fact that smoking shortens one’s lifespans,
35: 修改建议：him。
时态错误：
21: 修改建议：have not told。
32: 修改建议：tells。
单词合并错误：
23: 修改建议：may be。
45: 修改建议：may be。
代词错误：
29: 修改建议：his/her。
50: 修改建议：themselves。
52: 修改建议：them。
指代不清：
30: 修改建议：interpersonal relationship skills。
42: 修改建议：someone is。
拼写错误(SPL)：
31: 修改建议：brother。
标点错误：
33: 修改建议：。
54: 修改建议：。
语态错误(VOI)：
40: 修改建议：earning the right to be trusted。
大小写错误：
41: 修改建议：Once。
55: 修改建议：Thus。
动词形式错误：
44: 修改建议：succeed。
得分3.2分(满分5分)
任务完成情况 Development andDetails
文章切题、阐述充分
Effectiveness in addressing the topic and task。
文章组织和结构 Organization& Structure
结构连贯清晰、阐述每篇文章观点及他们的关系
Clear, coherent structure, logical paragraphing and cleartransitions in ideas。
论点扩展和细节运用 Development& Details
能用相关的例子，细节和原因支持观点。前后一致并循序渐进
Relevant examples, details, reasons to support theposition, presented in a unified and progressive way。
语法 Grammar
能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点
Command of the elements of Standard Written English,incl. grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation。
整体评分 HolisticAssessment
内容切题，表达连贯流畅
Effectively addresses the topic and task cohesively andfluently in the presentation of the text。
总评
1. It is important to keep spelling mistakes to aminimum. Please remember how to correctly spell words that are common. 2.Please stick to writing in the 3rd person perspective. Avoiding writing in 2ndperson unless for intended effect. Mixing perspectives causes confusion andlack of focus. 3. Avoiding starting sentences using the same wording(i.e. Aperson who wants to.。.)in sequence. 4. Please try and avoid using such wordingas "First of all, Second,..."as these take away from a cohesive workrather than help. 5. Avoid repeating the same words in a paragraph. (i.e.disadvantages) unless it is for intended purposes. 6. Please try to connectshort sentences into a cohesive
and meaningful one。(i.e. My grandmother is a smoker; shehas been smoking for 30 years。)
TPO第22套独立写作真实批改报告
题型：托福[微博]独立写作
题目：TPO第22套
原文字数：437
批改时间：2013年07月02日 18：02
Nowadays, 1as the developing of the society and government, people 2 3 starts to have different 4thought 5of 6this country. Some7 8of them would 9talk about it personally, 10but some 11people will start to spread their views publicly,such as12internet13, 14 15poster on the street 16and so on. However, personally, I do not think teachers should make theirsocial or political views known to students in the classroom17, 18the following are the reasons why I agree with thestatement.
To begin with, the reason wehave 19teacher is to learn academic 20knowledges from 21them 22or let me say in another way, what's 23the teacher's job? The answer from all of us 24definitely is to 25tranform their knowledge to us. This is what the teachers should be doingin 26the class 27, 28we pay to go to school, their classes, all theparents want their children to receive back is not the teachers' social orpolitical views, in stead they want their children to be educated. They wantteachers to change their kids' bad behaviors, unpleasant personalities or theway they 29try to study. 30Also some privates schools 31expect more money than some public schools, therefore if the teacherswaste students' learning time by 32express their feeling 33of this society, then the parents will be 34indignation and unhappy 35, 36this will mainly affect the school's reputation,which no school 37hope 38to 39be happened.
