托福写作满分评分标准解读及范文批改解读(7)
26: 修改建议：Not needed.This is a definite article thus would make the noun definite too。
48: 修改建议：Not needed. Itcharacterizes the noun。
49: 修改建议：a。
词序不当：
24: 修改建议：is definitely。
41: 修改建议：social andpolitical views。
构词不正确：
34: 修改建议：indignant。
所有格错误：
46: 修改建议：teachers’
动词形式错误：
55: 修改建议：angrily。
词义不明(INC)：
58: 修改建议：The idea can not be understood clearly because ofpoor diction。
拼写错误(SPL)：
60: 修改建议：believe。
代词错误：
69: 修改建议：Omit。
得分2.9分(满分5分)
任务完成情况 Development andDetails
文章切题、阐述充分
Effectiveness inaddressing the topic and task。
文章组织和结构 Organization& Structure
结构连贯清晰、阐述每篇文章观点及他们的关系
Clear, coherentstructure, logical paragraphing and clear transitions in ideas。
论点扩展和细节运用 Development& Details
能用相关的例子，细节和原因支持观点。前后一致并循序渐进
Relevantexamples, details, reasons to support the position, presented in a unified andprogressive way。
语法 Grammar
能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点
Command of theelements of Standard Written English, incl. grammar, word usage, spelling, andpunctuation。
整体评分 HolisticAssessment
内容切题，表达连贯流畅
Effectivelyaddresses the topic and task cohesively and fluently in the presentation of thetext。
总评
You havedeveloped a good response to the given topic. The introduction is welldeveloped. It gives a good definition of the thesis. The second last clause ofthe introduction "i do not think teachers should make their social orpolitical views known to students in the class room" would have been thelast because it makes a good thesis statement. It has an already inferredmeaning of what is expected of you. In the main body paragraphs, you havepresented good and relevant views. The overall presentation of the paragraphsis standard. That is, you developed good topic sentences at the beginning ofthe paragraphs, made good and elaborate explanations and given ample examplesto back up your stand. This is commendable。
The conclusionis well established. It gives a good sum of what has been written in the essay.The overall presentation is standard. The essay is littered with grammar errorsthough. Some have had a grave impact on the understanding of some parts of theessay. The most important is the formation of clauses and sentences. At timesbecause of poor word usage and combination, some clauses are poorly formed. Forexample, "we pay to go to school, their classes, all the parents wanttheir children to receive back is not the teachers' social or political views,instead they want their children to be educated." There is poor wordcombination in this clause. Another such huge formation error is in the thirdparagraph that starts, "For some kids........". Such formation errorsmake the understanding of ideas difficult. Some nouns like "poster"in the introduction are changed to plural form to make general ideas. Bemindful of the use of articles. For example, "the" is not neededbefore "class" in the second paragraph. This is because"class" should be general but not specific. If you use"the" it means there is a specific class referred to here. Avoidunnecessary words and clauses that make the essay ambiguous. For example thelast clause of the introduction. Avoid poor tensing。
In theconclusion, you used "have" instead of "has" after"everyone". The conjugation here is wrong. Likewise"present" in the same paragraph ought to be "presented". Bemindful of the word formation too. For example, "indignation" shouldbe "indignant". You need to make the essay advanced by employingadvanced vocabulary. For example, instead of using "this will mainlyaffect" in the second paragraph, you can say "this gravelyaffects" or "this enormously affects". Such wording gives moreweight to the essay and makes it mature in presentation. You need to usediversified sentence structures and vocabulary to make the essay more advancedthan this。
